Nighttime thoughts

Well its afternoon as I write this!, so I guess kind of a weird title, but it is in the night that I start thinking. Since starting this new journey of my life, the night has always been the hardest time. The house is quite, my sweet children are no longer fighting! and look so incredibly peaceful off into their own precious dreams. Ok...they don't fight all the time...just often displaying sibling love in the many different ways. So the days are pretty busy...thankfully...and when I begin to rest my head on my pillow is when I begin to think...analyze...ponder...pray...fear...and the list goes on.

I do really think I have turned the corner in this grief journey. No longer is the pain so intense and mostly when I think of this year...I look upon it with a smile. Yes..these smiles may be joined with a tear...but not so despairingly. I realize more and more each day that my lifes story is and will continue to unfold. It definitely doesn't look like I though nor hoped it would...but God is so faithful. I really hoped to be bouncing around with a toddler...but Im not.

I think when I lay my head down at night is when I begin to think about what I will continue to transform into. Ok...I know I am not a gorilla or that we come from them...but when accepting Christ as our Saviour I became a new creation. No longer wanting to please myself....but live to bring Glory to God. So this year I wonder...Have I brought Glory to God? Through all the tears and questions and thoughts. I can not completely with confidence say yes...but I do know that God will judge my heart. I am thankful that this walk does not rest in the hands of my friends...or my neighbors...or my family...or my blog readers...I mean that with the utmost respect. Because if I put out a survey on what people thought...I guarantee the responses would very.

Yes..I have been concerned about my response to all of this..my reactions..my fears and anxieties. But I come back to what a dear friend said to me.

We need to be more concerned about our CHARACTER before God,
Then our REPUTATION before man.

Seems easy right? Well when I sit down to think about it...it seems difficult. God is a good God, who has given me a perfect story and continues to write it. But He is the only one who can rightly judge me. Scary without Christ as my mediator. So I continue to desire to want to grow in my wisdom of Christ and also my character that would please Him. Good I only have to think about Him...because the rest gets overwhelming.

So my nighttime thoughts go to how I am sharing, looking and responding to this...to praying that God would keep me focus on Himself!

There are times I still dream about if I had Larson...or if we had another...or if we adopt, but then I realize, Why go there? Its not a story until God Himself reveals that. I continue to stare (yes I do) at pregnant women and newborns...and cute China girls, I have to remind myself....That is not my story, that is their story and it is perfect. No longer do this images hurt so much. Ive always loved to people watch.

Now I wonder if the pregnant women has a healthy baby or if she has lost a baby or if she has some other pain. And the China girls...what is their story and all the other "obvious" children who are adopted. There are others around me I would never now. Everyone has a story. Yes...there are some who still live in the American dream with their white picket fence, I did! But I don't miss it. I don't miss being comfortable in what was comfortable situations. I appreciate the work God is doing. I hope to think of others and their pains and not just try to get back to my "comfortable" life. Don't get me wrong....I have ALONG way to go. Thats the problem with this, as you grow in some things more sin is revealed. So I may be growing in Compassion, but sometimes I don't have patience for other things. There is always going to be contradictions in life. Doing better in this....not so good in that!

But I know that God is faithful and He declares and I am CONFIDENT that "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6. Yes the getting to completion will sometimes be uncomfortable, unwanted, uneasy and ugly, but HE will complete it!

Thanks for reading...Random post from a random girl!

Praying for...

Another mommy to pray for and come along side of during this time of grief....
http://themiracleofmatthew.blogspot.com/
My heart always aches to know someone else has to let their baby go far to soon!

How many children do you have?

Ok...so I know many people who read this blog have been in this situation. I still often wonder what to say.

At times Steve and I have said 4...as not to get into details and yet then we feel like we really have 5 and why deny Larson the life he had. There have been times that my children have corrected me when I say 4. I hear their cute voices pipe up and say.."no...remember we have Larson mom!" They are so proud of him like any sibling would be. They just don't get to share him in person.

As time has gone on Steve and I agree we want to say 5. We love to share the story of Larson and yet then there are times you can tell the other person is either uncomfortable or uninterested.

Really never thought I would have to think through a question like this. It is often asked. You mommies know...we all ask about the same things when we get to know one another. Now that my children are in sports...well this is asked often.

Trust me...I have done both and I have heard many comments pertaining to both...
-yes share...he is your son
-why do you need to share about it...hes safe with the Lord

I would love to hear from those of you who have lost a child. What do you say? For those of you have not lost a child...leave a comment also.

Honestly this has changed my life and really has put me on the opposite side of the field. I used to be safe in all situations. I used to feel comfortable in all situations. I used to not think twice what I said. I love meeting people and getting to know them. But this story...well it is part of me. I don't want to cling to it and yet I am not willing to let it go.

I want to be considerate of others and yet I want to talk about my son as I do all my other children. I want my other children to not be afraid to talk about their brother. Why is this so taboo? Why is there not some simple answer. Why are some uncomfortable talking about my dead son. Yes HE IS MY SON! And my children HAVE ANOTHER BROTHER.

So...would love to hear from you if you have some advice. Not going to get the t-shirt yet!

BTW...I don't share as much about my other children as I know this is a public blog and want to keep some things personal. I love them just as much. I say this because I have had questions about that. That maybe I don't think about them the way I should. I want to assure you. I love ALL my children and cherish them for who they are.

Our Story continues.....

For awhile after losing Larson, I wondered where our story would go from there. Quite fankly, I felt like I ran straight into a brick wall. I was totally unprepared to have this happen. My faith in Christ is what held me up, but I myself could not move forward. At least not as quickly as I had hoped. There was alot to process. I didn't want this trail to be in vain and I always hoped that I would be willing to let the Lord shape me. Therefore...I didn't want to ignore the pain or quickly run through it.

Well now 13 months later...our story continues. How? Exactly how God wants it to. No big news, no big story...its that we have gotten through this as a family that is our story.

15 months ago I had no idea what a blog was, nor did I have ANY desire to have one. Why did other have to know everything about what I was going through or how I felt. I also didn't have much to say. Life was carrying on just as I had hoped. When a friend suggested to me to start a blog when we found out Larsons condition I still hesitated. There just didn't seem like much to right about. His condition always worsened and I knew that giving out more information would allow people to GOOGLE more and send me stories. I know this may sound selfish, but it was taking everything to just funtion with my four other children. Ill be honest...my reactioned supriesed me as much as it suprised even close friends.

Well after Larson was born it was difficult to tell everyone individually...along with family and friends out of state...how I was feeling. Steve and I both grew up here and are 4th generation Coloradans! So to say we had a support system was and is an understantment. Its just it got overwhelming at times. So I caved and began writing. For communication and also for an outlet for myself.

What began as a way to communicate...also became a new world to me. I didn't realize there was so much out there. Good stories and bad. I usually find the bad. Sadness takes comfort in sadness. While I began to meet some of the most wonderful peopel in blogland, I also become somewhat obsessed with blogs. You know...I wanted to know the WHOLE story. Well that takes time...too much time. As I found my favorite blogs to follow, I read every entry. I felt that some of the entries were exactly what I was feeling and others I could not relate to. While this is good...it can make you question your feelings and emotions. I encourage those who are walking a similiar journey....do not question your emotions, the time it takes you to grief, your reactions. Its ok to keep them in check, but don't use other blogs to do this. We are ALL individuals and it just won't look the same.

It is safe to use this as an outlet until it becomes all you can relate to. There were times that that was me. Ok..im being pretty transparent here! Well I have not written as many posts because I have not had the time and sometimes the right words. And really I know I have to re-enter things even if it is sometime uncomfortable. Ok...with honestly I have not just started doing this. I have done this all along, its just now it is even more often. I really love people, but for a season I needed some time to process and emerse myself into the Word of God. Tons of extra stuff was overwhelmimg. But praise be to God that things are much easier.

Ok...so back to blogland...yes this may be a random post.... Anyway, while surfing through bogs, I would see stories similar to ours. Bad diagnosis, death and then the process of grief was on their blog. I really enjoyed "contecting" to them as I did not have much experience it this and many were going through this for the first time as well. We have all done it different. We have all blog our stories, emotions, faults, strengths, weaknesses, etc. We have all written...some more honestly and transparent then others...some have not said as much. But all have done it their way AND well.

Ok...back on the trail...So these stories eventually went to new pregnancies. They had something new to talk about...It was hard to see at first, becuse as much as I wanted that story it was not mine. I heard all about "rainbow babies" and Gods promises. I read about healing from a new baby, restoration, redemption and moving on. I just wasn't there. But I wanted it so bad. I began praying..."Lord, take this desire from me if it is not your will. and if it is not your will help me to be COMPLETELY satisfied in you. For you give and take away and you are good. You may not give anymore and you are still good. I need to know that whether our story has a new baby or an adopted baby in it or not...that you have not forsaken us. That you will still restore us, you will heal us, you will not leave us"

Well over time I can assure you....I am so grateful for our story. God is good. Seeing the blogs with people who have had babies or are having babies are not hard anymore. I can say I truly feel myself rejoicing with them. I can seperate their blog from mine...their story from mine...and knowing God is in control of it all. He still loves me. His promises are still the same. Baby or no baby we will proceed the way God wants us to. We are not promised tomorrow, or anything beyond that. So I hope to live in the moment. And if God so wills us to have another child. IT WILL NOT be to heal, or be restored, or to be a symbol of Gods promises. We will have a baby because that was part of the plan all along....and because that is HIStory not mine. May my desires in my life be for Him and His Glory and nothing else.

So for all you amazing mommies who have gone throught the heartache of loss and now continue down the path of joy with a new baby. I rejoice with you...Im praying for your little ones. I know this doesn't take away the pain of the one lost, but where you learn to balance grief, heartache, and despair...with joy, love and hope. I am loving your stories that God is creating. I have enjoyed reading them all knowing they are written with perfection in mind.

For me...It has been good to follow these journeys...it has been good to remember that mine will be different from theirs. All of ours will be different. So I hope that blogs will be a means to encourage one another, but not to compare one another. I was there...but God has carried me to a place where I can be thankful for the differences in it all. IT IS ALL GOOD....IT IS ALL FROM HIS PERFECT HAND....THERE ARE NO MISTAKES.

To God be the Glory

Check it out

So I woke up this morning and had to check on my sweet friend Aimee. If you haven't seen the videos of her "Gotcha" Day...Check them out here...with kleenex of course. This made my day!

Going to get Lily

So most of you who have read my posts for any length of time know my friend Aimee...She is my "online" friend that I met while pregnant with Larson. Her Sophie Ann had the same condition and God choose their birthday to be the same although they were due 5 weeks apart. Go here if you don't remember. She came to visit in March and I went to visit her in August. When we met I don't think we knew what it would become...be it has become a wonderful friendship.

Well anyway....Aimee is going to get their 4th child Lily in China. If you would like to follow their travels and pray for them while on their journey, here is the link....
http://www.tochinaforlily.blogspot.com/

I can not begin to tell you the excitement I have for this wonderful family. So while they continue to grieve the loss of their sweet Sophie who is dancing in Heaven...they will be picking up her sister. Oh I just love this family. Ok enough said...enough ramblings...just check them out! You'll be blessed.

Living In A Fog

These last few days have been difficult for me to pinpoint exactly what is going on in my head. I really have felt like I am in a continuous fog. I felt this way at the beginning of last year after we buried Larson. Just trying to figure out what was going on. It has been a year now and it doesn't seem to be going away. I new I would not be the same, but I definitely thought some things would go back to how I was. I thought by now I would have clearer thoughts, I wouldn't be so overwhelmed and anxious. What I am realizing is my normal will never be what it was before. Although I feel like I am really fighting this. Back at the beginning of this blog I did a post on feeling like a puzzle...

I feel as though I have found many of the pieces to my puzzle although they just don't make sense as to where they go in the picture that still seems so fuzzy I believe I have also found some new pieces. I guess that I still have some of the old Corie. I look the same and many parts feel the same, but so much has changed.

I honestly feel like part of my brain has been fried/damaged/been taken out! Whatever you want to say. I know I was not in an accident of any kind, but I do feel like I have had trauma to my brain. I hope this post can sound even half-way clear, because quite frankly...I don't feel like I have any clear thoughts at all. I really don't even know how to explain what I am feeling.

Sometime things feel comfortable...other times they don't. Sometimes all I want is to be at home...other times I want to avoid home at all cost because its not the home I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong. I do have an amazing husband and 4 beautiful children. But things remind me of what was or could have been. I realize that it will never be that way, but my mind wonders. I've never felt so much intense spiritual battle. God has kept me and continues to...but I am still living in the flesh and tempted by so much.

Before we began this journey, I was an out-going person. I loved people...still do!...but I could handle crowds, somewhat to the point of controlled chaos. I loved having people to my house often, play dates, birthday parties, you name it! I would plan it and enjoy planning it. I could do this while also keeping up with my daily task as wife and mother of 4 children in which I had in 5 years. Yes this sounds so great...right? I really probably looked like I had it all together. Well I didn't and now it is even worse. Just know its more obvious. I think and look more like a scatterbrain. I have even been driving and forgotten where I was going. Yes I know..freaky!

Before all of this...I loved to cook. Now just going to the grocery store can be overwhelming. Too many choices and what if what I bought no longer sounds good when I get home? What if I forget an ingredient...which I usually do with even when I have a list? I feel like I go to the grocery store everyday.

Now..I'd rather not be in big groups. Having a bazillion children running around and tearing apart my house makes me crazy because all I think about is how much work it will be to get my house back in order. I never enjoyed cleaning and now it is just plain and simply overwhelming to me. I don't know where to start cleaning and therefore it seems like a never-ending task.

NOW...I like to be around people I am comfortable with and who are comfortable around me. The ones who don't feel like they have to fix me, analyze me and give me the perfect advice. The ones who don't freak out that I still cry at times and STILL want to talk about my son. I like the freedom to be around people who don't expect me to be the old Corie, but are embracing the new one. The ones who ask about how I am doing...AND MEAN IT and don't try to "cheer" me up.

And my kids....with 3 in school, there is so much homework that I don't even know where to begin. I used to be a 2nd grade teacher. I could handle this. I could get 24children in order, talk to parents and run my house and now I can't figure out homework for 3? Where has my mind gone? I can't get my 1st graders homework in on time. There is such a list of things to do and although it may be 4 things....it feels like 30.

I find that instead of doing my laundry or cleaning or office work or whatever...I avoid it because I just get overwhelmed by it.

I'm sharing this to help my Friends and family understand me. I am sure you may be thinking...its been a year, what is up with her? Well I really am trying. Trying to return emails and phone call and texts. Trying to set up time with people, cook dinner and do my kids homework. And well...I fail everyday at this. It just seems like a lot of work.

As I write this I want to let you know it may sound like Im despaired, maybe depressed, maybe defeated...but I'm not. I am just being real. I am fightening this like you wouldn't believe. Not fightening alone thats for sure! Christ is right there is front of me. What an amazing Sheperd He is. This is battle and well...I'm staying in the battle. I am not giving up. I won't give up! This battle is what continually takes me to prayer...to Christ...to the Cross..to Eternity. A great place to be forsure. The best place to be and therefore a reason to keep fighting this great battle.

For those readers who have gone through the loss of a child...I would love to hear if you struggled with this at all. If you did...did your brain come back? How did you function? I really am missing the go-getter Corie, but have also learned to embrace the God who is molding me into what He so desires. If you have no advice...I would seriously LOVE your prayers. I mean it.