Going to get Lily

So most of you who have read my posts for any length of time know my friend Aimee...She is my "online" friend that I met while pregnant with Larson. Her Sophie Ann had the same condition and God choose their birthday to be the same although they were due 5 weeks apart. Go here if you don't remember. She came to visit in March and I went to visit her in August. When we met I don't think we knew what it would become...be it has become a wonderful friendship.

Well anyway....Aimee is going to get their 4th child Lily in China. If you would like to follow their travels and pray for them while on their journey, here is the link....
http://www.tochinaforlily.blogspot.com/

I can not begin to tell you the excitement I have for this wonderful family. So while they continue to grieve the loss of their sweet Sophie who is dancing in Heaven...they will be picking up her sister. Oh I just love this family. Ok enough said...enough ramblings...just check them out! You'll be blessed.

Living In A Fog

These last few days have been difficult for me to pinpoint exactly what is going on in my head. I really have felt like I am in a continuous fog. I felt this way at the beginning of last year after we buried Larson. Just trying to figure out what was going on. It has been a year now and it doesn't seem to be going away. I new I would not be the same, but I definitely thought some things would go back to how I was. I thought by now I would have clearer thoughts, I wouldn't be so overwhelmed and anxious. What I am realizing is my normal will never be what it was before. Although I feel like I am really fighting this. Back at the beginning of this blog I did a post on feeling like a puzzle...

I feel as though I have found many of the pieces to my puzzle although they just don't make sense as to where they go in the picture that still seems so fuzzy I believe I have also found some new pieces. I guess that I still have some of the old Corie. I look the same and many parts feel the same, but so much has changed.

I honestly feel like part of my brain has been fried/damaged/been taken out! Whatever you want to say. I know I was not in an accident of any kind, but I do feel like I have had trauma to my brain. I hope this post can sound even half-way clear, because quite frankly...I don't feel like I have any clear thoughts at all. I really don't even know how to explain what I am feeling.

Sometime things feel comfortable...other times they don't. Sometimes all I want is to be at home...other times I want to avoid home at all cost because its not the home I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong. I do have an amazing husband and 4 beautiful children. But things remind me of what was or could have been. I realize that it will never be that way, but my mind wonders. I've never felt so much intense spiritual battle. God has kept me and continues to...but I am still living in the flesh and tempted by so much.

Before we began this journey, I was an out-going person. I loved people...still do!...but I could handle crowds, somewhat to the point of controlled chaos. I loved having people to my house often, play dates, birthday parties, you name it! I would plan it and enjoy planning it. I could do this while also keeping up with my daily task as wife and mother of 4 children in which I had in 5 years. Yes this sounds so great...right? I really probably looked like I had it all together. Well I didn't and now it is even worse. Just know its more obvious. I think and look more like a scatterbrain. I have even been driving and forgotten where I was going. Yes I know..freaky!

Before all of this...I loved to cook. Now just going to the grocery store can be overwhelming. Too many choices and what if what I bought no longer sounds good when I get home? What if I forget an ingredient...which I usually do with even when I have a list? I feel like I go to the grocery store everyday.

Now..I'd rather not be in big groups. Having a bazillion children running around and tearing apart my house makes me crazy because all I think about is how much work it will be to get my house back in order. I never enjoyed cleaning and now it is just plain and simply overwhelming to me. I don't know where to start cleaning and therefore it seems like a never-ending task.

NOW...I like to be around people I am comfortable with and who are comfortable around me. The ones who don't feel like they have to fix me, analyze me and give me the perfect advice. The ones who don't freak out that I still cry at times and STILL want to talk about my son. I like the freedom to be around people who don't expect me to be the old Corie, but are embracing the new one. The ones who ask about how I am doing...AND MEAN IT and don't try to "cheer" me up.

And my kids....with 3 in school, there is so much homework that I don't even know where to begin. I used to be a 2nd grade teacher. I could handle this. I could get 24children in order, talk to parents and run my house and now I can't figure out homework for 3? Where has my mind gone? I can't get my 1st graders homework in on time. There is such a list of things to do and although it may be 4 things....it feels like 30.

I find that instead of doing my laundry or cleaning or office work or whatever...I avoid it because I just get overwhelmed by it.

I'm sharing this to help my Friends and family understand me. I am sure you may be thinking...its been a year, what is up with her? Well I really am trying. Trying to return emails and phone call and texts. Trying to set up time with people, cook dinner and do my kids homework. And well...I fail everyday at this. It just seems like a lot of work.

As I write this I want to let you know it may sound like Im despaired, maybe depressed, maybe defeated...but I'm not. I am just being real. I am fightening this like you wouldn't believe. Not fightening alone thats for sure! Christ is right there is front of me. What an amazing Sheperd He is. This is battle and well...I'm staying in the battle. I am not giving up. I won't give up! This battle is what continually takes me to prayer...to Christ...to the Cross..to Eternity. A great place to be forsure. The best place to be and therefore a reason to keep fighting this great battle.

For those readers who have gone through the loss of a child...I would love to hear if you struggled with this at all. If you did...did your brain come back? How did you function? I really am missing the go-getter Corie, but have also learned to embrace the God who is molding me into what He so desires. If you have no advice...I would seriously LOVE your prayers. I mean it.

Larsons one year celebration pictures.

The day went will and we certeinly felt the prayers from all of you. I was and am so blessed by all your emails, phone calls, messages, texts and love. We received beautiful flowers, an amazing album filled with letters, a necklace with my kids names and have felt so much love and support. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! We have been blessed to have so many walk this year with us and we love you more then you may ever know. Its a hard road, but a good road and you have helped carry the load by just praying for us and meeting us where we are at. You have listened well and cared so much. And her is how we spent our day.....

Larsons 1st year celebration video from Corie O'Brien on Vimeo.

Pray for....

I recently got a blog response from a mommy, Paige, who is prenant with twins. I am attaching her blog...she gave me permission...so please go and send her a note of encouragement. It is always such a blessing to know others are praying for you.


I will also being posting pictures soon of our one year anniversary celebration. God was so good in lifting us up throughout the day and blessing us with a day that was hard to plan!

Happy 1st Birthday

Larsons 1st Birthday Celebration Video from Corie O'Brien on Vimeo.
be sure to turn off the music below. Sit back and enjoy his wonderful life! Thanks for sharing our journey with us.

Dear Larson,
It’s hard to believe that it has already been almost a year that we have had to say hello and good-bye. It just will never be enough time. I loved you before I knew you…before you twisted and turned in my womb. I loved you when they said you were “not compatible” with life. I knew you were a gift from God given specifically for our family.

When you arrived your sisters and brothers were so excited to hold you. Emma was devastated when we called to say you had died. She told me later that she thought you would live for “at least a year!” She so hoped for that. She really wanted to bring you home and take care of you no matter what you were like.

It has been hard planning your first birthday. I’ve never had to plan a birthday without my little one here. So we are doing the best we can to make it a special day even though you won’t be there. You little friend Brees will certainly miss you. We thought we would see you grow up together. But just like your sister and brothers, her mommy and daddy are telling her all about you. She would have definitely been at your party if you were here.

Anyway, your sister is so excited to get her ears pierced…Grammie says it your gift to her seeing as she was not suppose to get them done until she was 16. We now know though that we don’t know how long we have. You really have shown us the fragility of life. So for your sister Emma…she gets a gift she has always desired and one that will remind her often of the gift we were given in you.

Your brothers love to pull out the clothes you wore and remember just how tiny you were. We often wonder what you will be like when we see you again. And trust me…mommy is teaching your sister and brothers ALL about Jesus. We know you are with Him right now and learning all about Him. I continue to tell them to trust in Jesus so they will see you too and learn with you.

I can’t begin to tell you what this year has been like. I am sure you don’t want me to have so many tears…but I just can’t keep them in much. Then come less frequent…but I don’t mind them when they come. Some people have a hard time knowing what to say. I just wish they would say your name. Like any mommy…I am proud of you. Maybe not of your first smile, your first steps or your first words, but I am still proud of who you are to your family.

You are one brave little boy for us. With many babies with your condition they probably would not have made it all. With a lung and/or heart condition and nothing pass your brain stem…well you defeated many odds. You cried when you came out and you screamed life to the doctors who thought we should deliver early to keep you from suffering. Well you should no signs of suffering…for that was a big concern. You seized often in the womb and stopped suffering, but you definitely didn’t show it while you were here.

I have never felt such love in that room we had you in. From doctors and nurses..to family and friends. The love was intense because we knew we had limited time. But you were so patient and you let everyone hold you. What a fighter you were…born alive…lived passed delivery (which was a miracle because your heart rate was in the 30’s) and God gave us the gift of 23 hours. I know people try to make us feel better and tell us at least we had 23 hours, but that is not what we wanted. We desired you for a long time and when we found out we were pregnant we didn’t ask for 23 hours.

This year has really tested me little buddy. In my patience, my love, my faith, my desires, my hopes and my dreams. You see this was not our plan. I really thought I trust the Lord that He plans our ways. It sure is easy to say it when everything is going the way you want it. Easy to say its Gods will because you like His will. But when things are not as you wanted, you feel desperate, depressed and down. Well then that’s when the rubber meets the road. I had to wonder if God is a good God? Did He really want this to happen? Does He make mistakes?

This year has been the hardest and the best all at the same time. I have met some amazing new friends...you know their children in Heaven. I couldn't imagine not having them during this time. What a gift God gave me in two women...one who began this road 15 months before me and one who is walking it at the same time. Its helped me to open my eyes to Gods blessing...whether big or small. On that note, we have also had friends we have known a long time who are still are friends. Seems strange I'm sure. You think everyone just embraces you however, but really its amazing that they have been so patient. This really has changed us sweet boy...but I'm ok with that. I'm learning to live with the new me and not try to go back to who I was.

Your life was a perfect gift to test me in areas I felt so strong in. I really did say "my children are not my own". I thought I gave all of you to the Lord. Sure is easy in word…in deed is a whole other story.

Even today I wonder what is ahead of me. Will I see restoration the same way that others have? My biggest prayer has been that Jesus would be enough for me. That I don’t need, nor deserve anything else, and that I can still say God is good. I find myself hoping for a healing like none other, but I also know my healing will look different from others. Maybe by nothing more…no gifts/blessing from God. Maybe my healing will simply be in that my gifts and blessing are defined by God and not by me.

I can tell you this son,if the Lord desires to give you and your siblings another sibling, in whatever means, it will NEVER be a replacement or a means of healing. You are your own little man...your own life to be honored. For God is so clear that He makes each and everyone of us perfect in His eyes. Psalm 139 is very clear. You are perfect. As we celebrate your birthday on Right to Life day each year, we will always remember that you were perfect and you had a right to life. You made your mark loud and clear. You were life and now you get to enjoy eternal life with your Father in Heaven. There will never be another like you!

That all being said. Larson… I can say that I DO with all my heart still believe in the same good God I did before. The same God that created me is the same God who made you. He DID NOT make a mistake. I know He loves you and I know He loves me.

He gives and He takes away and doesn’t always give another something tangible back. I know the one thing He will not take is His Son. The promise of eternal joy in Christ will never be taken no matter what I feel like day to day. I will step out into each day praying for trust in Christ, not in myself, and to be willing and able to following Him until I am reunited with you and I hear the words…”well done good and faithful servant”

So it is with a very heavy heart that we celebrate a birthday of a little boy. Its not the perfect birthday I planned for your sister and brothers…but it will be your perfect celebration. Of a life well lived but cut to far short…for me anyway! We don’t worry about you…you are having the best birthday ever. I’m even a little jealous! I love you little buddy! Have a great birthday with Jesus!

Prayer for another family

I wanted to write to ask for prayer for another family on this journey. Magdelena Roberts has gone to be with the Lord. Click on her name and follow the updates. My heart aches for them as I know this road of grief has many twists and turns. Yet I know that they cling to Christ and they will get through....one day at a time. Praying for you Noah and Julie. Larson has another friend in Heaven. What a welcoming she must have gotten!

This Road...

Well we are about to hit the 1st birthday and with this so many thought of our journey this far. Its hard to believe that just one year ago I still had my Larson nestled in my womb. Many uncertainties of what was to come. We celebrated Emmas birthday and tried to embrace everyday we had.

Ill be honest...that was hard. Praising God for the days we had with him and preparing the days ahead without him. After 4 pregnancies...I never had to do that. My miscarriages for sure jolted me. The first 4 pregnancies went without a hitch. I reached each "milestone" and certainly felt "safe". 12 weeks meant no miscarriage...quad screen meant everything was ok and off we went. I lost my 2 babies after this at around 8 weeks. I cried for the loss of our children...but was left with little else. No reason for why they had to die, but for some reason there was a peace about it.

Along comes Larson...Got pregnant but seemed a long time (for us anyway!...but instantly had a feeling something was wrong. Made it past 12 weeks...I was still worried. Got the quad screen result back as great...still worried.

And then the "routine" ultrasound. Never would I imagine that on October 2nd at 9:00am in the same room... with the same tech with my other children.. that I would find out that my child in the womb would not make it home. I never thought this way. Always felt that once a pink line and all the other milestones that I would be just fine.

I never thought my life would or could change in an instant! But it did..it has..and I am still standing. I don't see myself as stronger. My strength can only come from my faith in Christ and His emence amount of Grace. If someone had told me that I would be burying one of my children. I would have never believed them. I would never have thought I could make it through. But thankfully God doesn't allow me to see everything in life. At times I think that would be nice, but in my sane times I know that I would not be able to handle that.

So where am I at just 1 year later? I still have many ups and downs. Still many tears. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I miss him. My family misses him. I wonder often what 2009 will bring to our family. I am not clinging onto health or the promise of tomorrow. No I am not a negative person...maybe just a realist. I have been 1 in 40,000. Yes nothing to go off of. Larson was a 13th gene deletion with HPE alobar and most likely a heart and/or lung defect. Certainly could not find his diagnosis on google. I lost 2 other children before him. We really did think we would have a new baby. That God would certeinly not 3 children in a row. But He his...and He is good!

So could this year have many joys? Yes. But I know God will define those joys and its not what I thought were joys before October of 2007. I know that God does not promise tomorrow. He doesn't owe me another child or a house or a job or a car! No...Gods promise is in His son. Not my son...His Son and that is certainly enough to be thankful for.

This year has taught me, and my son, has taught me much...

My new normal...
new joys
new hopes
new tears
new laughters
new loves
new friends
new desires
new dreams
new promises
new perspectives
new expectations
new thoughts
new depths
new challenges

I am still learning who I am as a Child of God. I know that He will continue to be patient with me as He molds me exactly how He desires. I pray that I will be willing and that it won't hurt as bad...but if it does, I know He will be there right by my side.

Happy Birthday Emma!

Happy 9th Birthday Emma....where did the time go?

What a birthday it was...donuts for breakfast...donuts for treats at school...Red Robin for dinner AND....

For the biggest surprise of all..drum roll(JK)...Emma thought she would have to wait to get her ears pierced when she was 16! Well Emma had expressed to me a couple of months ago how sad she is that Larsons birthday is in the same month and yet he is not here. Since they share the same birthstone, Steve and I decided to have her ears pierced on January 22nd. A gift she will remember forever. The gift of a brother who forever changed her and her family. A good reminder to have joy on the days that are hard to have joy in. I want her to remember his birthday with a smile!

Praise God for 9 wonderful years.

Sanctity of Human Life Sunday

This January many will be observing Sanctify of Human life on Sunday January 18th. Since 1983, Americans have observed Sanctity of Human Life Sunday (SOHLS) as a day to celebrate the intrinsic value of all human life. As an act of love in reponse to the 1973, January 22nd Roe v. Wade decision by the Supreme Court to legalize abortion in the United States. Here are some statistic I found interesting....

I'd like to share my story of Sanctity of Life. By no means am I writing this because I am so hero. Far from that. I am writing this story because it is Gods story. He wrote it...and I am thankful for it. It has been an amazing year that has opened my eyes to suffering. Not just burying a child..but burying a dream. Whether a divorce, a friendship gone bad, a loss of a grandparent, loss of a relationship...LOSS. Its everywhere and it hurts!

Last year at this time we were preparing for the arrival of sweet Larson Shawn. Due to the fact that this would be my 5th child and the rest were all c-sections, I needed to "plan" my day. Well all of my other children were born on a day divisible by 7. So for Larson, I wanted the same. I new I wouldn't keep him, but I wanted a day that would be like his siblings. So I told my doctor I would want January 21st. I was full term...he was not growing...he wasn't swallowing...I was retaining fluid. Since I had 4 incisions in my uterus, I need to schedule and be cautious to not have a ruptured uterus. The 2st was perfect...Right.

No! Of course not! Its my plan! So the 22nd of January it was. Some of you also know that I met my friend Aimee back in November. She was having her sweet Sophie Ann...but not for 4 weeks. So we thought. Well due to complications as well, she was sent to the hospital on what day...January 22nd. Yes we had met only 6 weeks before because of our babies and now they were going to have the same birthday. On top of that we found out that evening that they were born on the 35th anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Both babies had fatal conditions..both families made a choice for life...both babies spoke life for their brief life on earth. Both babies brought joy amidst the heartache.

I really do share this story humbly. I can not tell you this has been an easy year..but it has been worth all the pain and if given the circumstance again....I would choose the same thing. LIFE!

I hope to also share at this time that I know that many have not chosen this same route. I am not hear to judge or condemn. Quite honestly my heart aches for you. Aches because you may not be able to share your pain with others around you. You may be walking in silent pain. I pray for your healing as well. I want you to know that there is healing. And that healing comes in the name of Jesus. Yes...the God who is comforting me in my sorrow can comfort you as well. He is the same! For all...yes ALL fall short of the kingdom of God. THERE ARE NONE RIGHTEOUS. If you are reading this blog and this may be you. Please know I love you and am praying for any woman who has made this choice and may be aching inside. If you ever need to talk. I would love to talk. I genuinely mean that. I may not understand all you feel, but I am no better. My story is different, but I struggle with many of the same things.

And if you are a women who is pregnant and unsure if you can walk this road. Whether because your baby has been give a fatal diagnosis, you are a single mom, the pregnancy was unplanned..whatever...please know there are MANY people and organizations that are willing and wanting to help to nurture you and your unborn baby. Do not walk this path alone...you don't have to!

May we all be blessed by Chists healing as we walk through lifes aches and pains.

2009

Stepping into 2009 with prayers that I would remain steadfast in my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Many "resolutions" but only by Gods Grace will I be able to say I can do any of them.....

Waiting to see Gods story continue to unfold in our life. Unsure exactly what that is...but I never did before either. Just seemed like I did because there were not too many detours from "my plan". This year has definitely taught me that although we may have a plan in mind, and desires in our hearts...God still writes the beginning, middle and end to it all. May I rest in that..and that alone!

Not much more to say right now.

God bless you all in 2009!