Season Thoughts

An updated picture....I cherish the smiles on our faces. I do not take for granted the life of my children still here.....


I have found myself with LOTS of thoughts...but few words. Sometimes I find myself analyzing...sometimes reviewing..sometimes critiqueing life...and mainly life that last few years. Mostly I find myself reflecting. They are..and will be...life changing years. Years marked with heartache, but also with hope and faith. They have really been years that have shaped me more then the 34 years before. This may really sound dramatic...but really they are.

As we all go through physical growth spirts and pains...God will put us through spiritual growth spirts and pains. While I believe these past few years have been some of my most painful...I know that God has grown me. Even then...I know I have much more to know about God and learn about Him. I always say that I am careful what I pray for, but painful as these few years have been...Im not sure I would change them.

I got the privledge of carrying, meeting and loving a piece of Heaven. While also getting to know my Lord and Saviour more. I felt His love...His presence..His peace..His hope. And still I only got a bit more.

I can't say I miss Larson any less. I can't say I am over the pain of my loss. I can say that as time continues, I have just learned to live more with his absense. It has now become more a part of my life. I try to shake the painful thoughts off less and ride the wave more. Some of those painful thoughts and memories are also some of the best. Lots of oxymorons!

As I put his ornament on the tree this year...less tears feel, and more smiles arose. How can I not smile? He has changed my family in some incredible ways. We appreciate life and heart beats more. We appreciate health and laughter and for sure have a passion for the sanctiy of life. We realize each day is a gift that God has given to us.

We think of Larson worshipping His Saviour...but in Heaven! Wow! That is an amazing imaage and one I think of often. Everyday is Christmas and Easter in Heaven. For our Saviour has been born...He is risen...He is alive...And Larson is with Him

As much as I have wanted more time with Larson..I would not choose to have him here. He truly is in the best place he can be and without a doubt I know one day I will be with him too!

I remember 2 years ago while still pregnant with Larson. I knew he would not be with us so most of my thoughts were imaging Larsons life in Heaven. Those thoughts remain. Know I just have more of a mental image of a precious boy at the feet of Jesus.

As we read the Christmas story...I get so teary.... For God gave His Son TO DIE for us. While my son did not die for others, his life is such a reminder to me of my Saviour who DID COME TO SAVE. We knew at 20 weeks, that Larson was here for a short while. He was created to die. Why? I don't ask this as much. I know God knows and that is enough. My son came to die....but not for sinners. Larsons life was full of love and his death was no less. He died peacefully and know resides in a peaceful place forever.

Christ came to die. He came from a peaceful place to a place that was full of sin. He lived a PERFECT life with NO sin...yet God still had him come to die for sinners like me. It sure is an amazing thought. I can't fully understand this miracle...yet by faith I accept it. I worship God today, Christmas, and every day, for the birth of His Son. That He came to save. So someday we will have eternal life with Jesus.

My heart is in 2 places now. I so enjoy the blessings of my life with the children gave me to raise here. Although I imagine often the life my other son is living now also. My life will always have a piece missing....I know God understand...

With that...Merry Christmas, a little late. May we worship our Saviour throughout the year....

Our God is in control

Seeing Gods Hand.....

Not long after having Larson I received this poem from a Godly women who is about 60 years old...her mother had lost 4 babies...here it is....

The Weaver

My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me,
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.

Ofttimes He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I, the underside.

Not 'til the loom is silent,
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the Canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the weavers skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

So here is my story that I feel the Lord has blessed me to see some of the weaving...Bear with me, it may be long. I hope I can explain it well. It is one of hope!

About 12 years ago I was teaching 2nd grade. During this time one of my students came into class with a picture he was sooo proud of. This was no ordinary picture. It was a picture of his sweet baby sister Cassidy. Cassidy was born with spina bifida. Was born early and many surgeries ahead of her. Her parents were given a grim picture, and much to my young ignorance or lack of life experience I really had NO idea what they were venturing into....

Fast forward 10 years later....In October of 2007 we found out about Larson. My ignorance changed. Life had taken a major turn. Now it was my baby with a fatal diagnosis. Not someone elses story anymore. Now I was living a life far different then I had expected. Like many moms with this...or maybe not...I started researching. I came across the website...www.benotafraid.net. It has stories of all different diagnoses. In my obsession...I hate to admit I read MANY of them. I came across one in pitucular. It seemed so familiar. It was! It was the story of baby Cassidy. Thats right..It was the story of the little girl ten years before. I though of her mom...how I had NO idea back then her pain could be so intense...her questions...her thoughts. And know...I could relate more. Not completely...but more!!
Here is Cassidy's story...www.benotafraid.net/story.asp?id=11


Cassidy was being used in my life....and yet, the story continues....!

A year after Larson passed away I had the opportunity to share his story with a bible study here in town. I was nervous but thankful to be used how God wanted me to! And who was there...Yep! Cassidys mommy. I hadn't seen her in 11 years. She cried with me and suddenly this mom was someone who I could connect with in a mighty way....this was God.

Ok...but that's not it! Fast forward one more year. I reieve a call form my aunt. Her daughters baby...Evan...had been diagnosed with Spina Bifida. I immediately thought of Cassidys mommy but had NO way of getting a hold of her.

The next week...I kid you not!...I ran into her at park. I have gone to this park with my kids MANY times and NEVER ran into her. The last time I had seen her was at the bible study and before that about 7 years before when she showed up at my church for a visit. She never came back...she was attending another church in town. And before that, I had seen her around the time Cassidy was born...

So back to the park.

I ran into her at the park...Cassidy was with her and I approached her and told her about my cousins baby. So the two of them have been connected ever since.

Ok...so this is a long story, but really its amazing to think that 12 years ago Cassidy's mom had NO idea how she would be used. I hope that she is so encouraged to see that Cassidy is being used 12 years later through a teacher that her son had. 12 years is a long time. I certeinly want to see what my son has done quicker. Now I know Cassidy has been used more then this, but I feel God has shown me that He is faithful...Things do work out for good. This story makes me amazed and THANKFUL.

While still sometimes feeling like Im in a valley...feeling like there is nothing new in my life. That there are things I have hoped for and desired...things that God has not desired to give. I find myself still missing Larson and dealing with chronic back pain. I sometimes wonder what is next. I am reminded by this story that God knows. What happens next in my life may not be what I hope for or maybe think I deserve...want...or expect! But I can trust that The Weaver is painting a PERFECT picture that I will be blessed to discover someday. Maybe not until eternity...but His hand will not stop and the painting will not be half done....

What often doesn't seem perfect...is!

And now...Id like to show you a picture of sweet baby Evan. The one you have prayed for...a little guy that has only begun to change lives....

Heaven is a Place

Great song...great words...by a very talented singer whose walking the journey of grief. Praise God that Steven Curtis Chapman is using the gift he was given to minister to so many....grieving parents...orphans...and more!

Evans out of Surgery!

Another Evan update...surgery seemed to go well. The doctors seem to think that his hips may be dislocated. So please pray for wisdom and direction for the doctors. Evan already has casts up to his thighs for his feet. The little guy has had more done to him in the last 2 weeks then I could imagine. More obstacles he has overcome, but there seems to be some more things to figure out. My cousin Lisa has been so brave but as you can imagine it is exhausting. Please pray for her, her husband Jeff, her daughter Lauren and her mom Barb (my aunt) as they continue on this journey. There are some things that are unknown, and maneuvering through them can feel daunting.

Evan Update!!

Wish I had pics of this cute little boy....and he is cute! Today Evan is going in for a shut surgery. Fluid has begun to build up in his body and some in his head. Praise God for doctors and nurses who are on top of things. Please pray for Evans surgery...that is would be quick and successful and that he may begin to move his lower body! He has already had casts put on his legs for club feet and he had one surgery already right after birth. He has been such a fighter. Born at 4 lbs 6 oz and now up to 5lbs. Thanks for your prayers for this little guy....I know his story has just begun.

He is Enough!!

I have to say...I can't wait for November. For some reason...October seems to still be a hard month. It was the month I miscarried in 2006 and it was the month we had to mentally bury our dreams with Larson in 2007. It has been better then the last, but I find myself trying hard to find joy.

Ok...so I am not trying to make this post a downer and by no means am I seeking sympathy, empathy or pity. I just feel like sharing whats been going on.

Back in 2007 when we lost Larson I thought I could never do this again...Don't worry we aren't! Now its not that I don't want to now. I have the desire for a baby more then I thought I could. Yet it seems God has completely closed the doors on this. My back problems continue to get worse and instead of hoping for the possibility for another child...I am trying to find relief from chronic pain from my back. The pain is constant and goes from my lower back...down to my calves. Its all day long and often from sitting, standing, sleeping and everyday activities. I am praying for the Lord to take my longing away...and to turn my disappointment into thankfulness and gratitude. I know He will....eventually! :)

I am not looking for a means of healing...trust me, I have tried MANY things in the last 10 months and all the "experts" now how to fix me. Problem is they haven't!!! I have tried both Eastern and Western medicine and I can tell you that neither has helped too much. I am currently trying another therapy and IF it works, I'll let you all know what it is...for those back pain suffers!! :) God has been gracious to point me in different directions and I have an incredibly patient and supportive husband. Although nothing has worked, I know that God has still allowed some options. Or....he may make this my thorn...lets hope not! Im too young..I THINK! :)

Honestly...I am not complaining about this, just perplexed! How could I have been going from wanting to have another child...to having him die...to not having that even as an option anymore. No...nothing has been done permanently and I know God can do ANYTHING, but right now it would seem to be very irresponsible of us to try to have another baby when I can hardly manage my children physically right now. My kids have been through alot as well, but they are awesome and VERY helpful.

So spiritually this has really taken me down a different path. Many questions and LOTS of prayers! As I see others share about their new joy and restoration through another child...I wonder if I will ever fully regain the joy I had. Will I see the healing that God has given them? Will I always long for a baby or will God take that away? Don't get me wrong...I am so happy to see so many babies enter this world without complications. I know..or can only imagine...that they don't fully fill the void of the loss of the sibling that preceded them. Nor do I think any of these parents are doing it for that reason. I do know that I won't have the opportunity to feel what it COULD be like. I must leave that to mystery and continue down the path that God has chosen for me and my family.

I do rejoice in the miracles of what God has chosen in the life of others. There have been some pretty darn cute babies born this last year! I don't find myself bitter. I truly am happy to see so much joy in the lives of so many who have had to endure so much pain. These are a stories to be told and cherished. And of course each one of them comes with its own challenges, dreams lost and hopes gained. Honestly though..I can't write their feelings or thoughts here. I can't explain what it looks like with new life...I can only say where I am at.

So I'm not just writing this for myself. I am writing it for anybody else who may be in this same state. It may not be just from the loss of a child in the hope of having another one. You may have a broken marriage and wonder if it will ever by restored. You may be single and wonder if God would allow you to ever have a husband. You may struggle with infertility and wonder if you will ever be a mother. You may have been hurt by a friend and wonder if you won't feel so lonely. You may be having financial issues and wonder if you will see food on your table today..or have your house tomorrow. You may have lost a loved one that will not be here to share in your earthly joys. All the uncertainties of life. Dreams dashed...feeling challenged. Feeling defeated!

This world is filled with hurts, pains and disappointment for so many. The loss of a dream, hopes or the future we thought would look differently. We may wonder if it will always feel painful or if we will have the chance to see something joyful again....

And so I ask myself daily...What if I never see what I want things to look life? What if God never provides me another tangible joy (at least my definition of joy)? What if my back remains so painful? What if things seem so dark?

And then I go to scripture....Is God enough? Is His Son enough? That Christ died for me...is that enough? Do I deserve anything more? Do I NEED anything more?

Confidently I can say Christ is enough. It will not always take away my questions, thougths or sadness....but it will ALWAYS complete me. He is enough. He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3)...He will NEVER leave me or FORSAKE me (Genesis 28:15)...He bestows a crown of beauty instead of ashes(Isa 61:3)..He turns my mourning into dancing (Jer 31:13)....He promises to complete the work He has started in me (Phil 1:6)...he weeps with us...rejoices with us..walks with us. He is Father...He is Friend.

In Christ there is no "what if's".... He never changes! He is ALWAYS there...through the ups and downs. The heartaches and heartbreaks. Through the questioning and misunderstandings. He is always your friend. HE WON'T change. HE WILL ALWAYS BRING ME THE JOY THAT THIS WORLD CAN NOT. He has defeated the One who has caused so much pain to enter into our lives. His name is satan...he is real..but he is NOT in control.

My dear friend...if you are reading this and wonder why life has a way of seeming to beat you up...turn to the only One who will Always be there for you. It is not your husband, or children, or friends...they are all sinners just like you and me. Our stories will all look different, but we can trust that they are what God wants for us. Accepting our life the way it is...is one of the battles!!

Turn to Jesus Christ...our Saviour AND our friend. Really quite amazing to me. He was called to die for us and take OUR sin and yet He will still be our friend. Flee to Him....read His word...pray to Him to reveal Himself to you and comfort you...He will. Through the heartache and pain, He has never left my side. Although it feels that way at times... I know He hasn't. Press on towards the prize...Eternity with our wonderful Saviour. Where there will be no more tears, questions, pains, disappointments or heartaches.

If you need prayer...I am up at night lots with pain and I know that the Lord uses this to pray for others! Please share your prayers...I would be honored to pray for you. You can do it anonymously or email me. My friends...we are all in this together no matter your hopes, fears, dreams, joys or heartaches.