Friday, July 25, 2008

A Picture!!






So I have been thinking and praying about getting a tattoo for awhile now. Probably ever since I was pregnant with Larson. The thought crossed my mind A LOT and so….for Larsons 6 month birthday..I did it!!! Yes, I am just as surprised as I am sure many of you are. I NEVER imagined I would want a tattoo (my kids all call it a picture) let alone actually get one. But then I also NEVER imagine that I would bury one of my children. Well it hurt so bad, but was oh so worth it! I have to say…I LOVE IT! I love that I can always look down and see his chubby toes…all 4 of them. I love that it will always remind me of God and His faithfulness during this time and for whatever may lie ahead! He is a part of our family…a part of our story! Steve was there holding my hand (check out the picture!!)…just as he has faithfully done the last 10 years and continues to do. I love that man!!!



There is always a battle of fear that I may forget him. I know that may seem weird and its something I never really thought about before, but it is something I have to battle. I want to move forward and yet I ache sometimes with how this looks. Anyway, there is some sense of peace of having “him” on my foot.

As I laid in bed after I came home and shared with Steve my heart. Not so weird. I use my 20,000 word by about 5 in the evening and begin borrowing more! I shared with him how I badly I want to use what God has given to us for His Glory. For the last 9 months, I have been really wrestling with God through so many of my questions. I am so thankful that he is willing to let me do this. Just as Jacob wrestled with God, so am I. Am I done? No, but I am cling to God!

Jacob Wrestles With God
22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."
27 The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.
28 Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, [a] because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."
29 Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.
30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, [b] saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."
31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, [c] and he was limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob's hip was touched near the tendon.

It says in my study Bible…..IN WRESTINLING WITH JACOB, GOD APPEARD IN HUMAN FORM AND DEPRIVED JACOB OF HIS NATURAL STRENGTH, BUT JACOB EMERGED THE VICTOR BY CLINGING TO GOD FOR BLESSING.

I am clinging to God!!

In the midst of the pain, I also find the good in our situation. God DID choose our family specifically to have Larson. Why? Well I may never know even thought I may continually ask. But as I continue walking this path, I beg God to give me the strength for today to trust him and be faithful to Him. What does that look like? Well I know that that is all part of this. Although I know my faith in Christ has been real for the last 12 years, the last 9 months have set me on a path of REALLY seeking and searching Him. He is willing to show me if I am willing to listen. He is willing to comfort, if I am willing to let him. He is willing to guide me, if I am willing to be led.

I know I have professed my willingness to follow, but lately I have been asking myself…are you really willing? What does that look like? Willingness does not mean that I get to call the shots. Willingness means to follow Christ NO MATTER what that entails. God promise suffering. God promised trials.

Trials and Temptations –James 1:2-5
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

So here I stand (by the Grace of God) 6 months from holding Larson. I hope to be standing stronger and stronger, unwilling to waiver in my need for Him. Not being tossed by the wafe of the sea or blown by the wind, but perservering to maturity in Christ and facing trials with joy in His promises.

Does this mean I may not have hard days? No. It just means that I HOPE to focus on my joy in Christ in the midst of those hard days. I have many things that I struggle with and I know they don’t instantly go away or may not go away at all. It’s just that I know I need to battle my flesh more when I struggle. Whether with fear, doubts, worry, etc. I know that those thoughts are not of God. But I do know that He will help me to walk this path. I am not alone. He is behind me, beside me and in front of me! Praise God!

Psalm 36:5-7
5 Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the skies.
6 Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains,
your justice like the great deep.
O LORD, you preserve both man and beast.
7 How priceless is your unfailing love!
Both high and low among men
find refuge in the shadow of your wings.
To all my faithful friends who have walked this journey with me. With patience and perseverance. With no expectation, but support….THANK YOU!



PS…..After coming home I realized…The Saturday before I had Larson I went with my friend to get my nails done so when I had my pictures with Larson they would look good! (I bit my nails!) The Saturday before getting my tattoo, I went with Emma to get our feet down. (I had never done this before and was not sure about the tattoo yet!) Both Larson’s birth and his 6 month birthday fell on a Tuesday. I love it!!!

8 comments:

Sue said...

Precious Corie,
You are that indeed! I love your tattoo...how precious! I thank God for His goodness in you. You make Him smile as you cling and you draw others of us along with you as you open your heart to Him and to us. We are blessed by you.
I'm Caleb's Ahma and he went Home to be with our Lord the day before he was born(2/19/2008). We held him and loved on him even as he was already at Home with our Lord! We can only imagine the glories he and Larson know as they have seen and been held by our Father. We know His touch they KNOW His touch!
Larson sees you, sweetie, as he resides in that great cloud of witnesses! I can hear their cheers at times, can't you! They bid us to keep on keeping on and they testify that this One who knows us best and loves us most will get us Home safely as well.

I'm ever checking in on you and I am praying for you and yours.

In His Amazing Love, Grace and Joy!
Sue of Tennessee

Kenzie said...

Beautiful Corie! I love the tatoo and the pictures of you guys together and holding hands...

Praying for you tonight!
Love,
Kenzie

Slacker MOM II said...

You are so brave to get the tatoo. I think that is a great tribute to your son. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Stacy said...

Corie-I love your tatoo....I don't think I would be that brave! How beautiful to be able to look down and always see a piece of Larson with you wherever you go.

I, too, love the date thing...the way God uses dates to really concrete things of Him in our minds.

Praising God with you for the hope that we have in Jesus Christ and the hope we have in seeing our precious boys again, one day!

Clinging to Jesus with you.

In Christ's love-Stacy

zanesmommy said...

I am truly blessed to find your blog. I too have been wanting to get a tattoo to remember our Micah, who is also with the Lord. He would also be six months. Thank you for telling your heart. I love the fact that it is Larson's foot print. He left foot prints on your heart and your families.
Grieving with you,
Christine

Linda said...

Corie, I have to share something with you that just happened. I was listening to the Laura Ingraham radio show, and she started talking about tattoos. You can imagine how the conversation was going, but then a man named Steve called in and told her about his little son who would have just celebrated his six month birthday should he have lived. He then mentioned that his wife had just had the little baby's footprint tattooed on her foot. Your husband has a very kind voice and a wonderful way of voicing his support for life.

~Linda

Kristen, a.k.a. Frugal Girl said...

That picture of the two of you is just wonderful...you can see just how much your husband loves you. :)

Kirsten said...

Corie,

Your tattoo is beautiful! I love it - what a precious little foot with adorable toes. It will be a gift to your heart every time you look at it and remember Larson. Thanks for taking a picture to share with us.

Since I went back to work I haven't been able to keep up to date with my Mommy friends blogs. Reading your posts today was just what I needed. God's timing is always perfect.

Thank you for encouraging me on the 3 month anniversary of Chloe's delivery. Reading the words of those who have walked this journey is such an encouragement. You are a blessing!

Have a wonderful time in Alabama! God is so good!

Blessings,
Kirsten