Thursday, July 10, 2008

Who Am I?

I apologize in advance for my ramblings. It seems to be that way lately. Maybe it is because this is where my mind is everyday. With 4 children, I often am thinking sporadically and randomly throughout the day. I find myself thinking about Larson, and all he is to me throughout the day. The problem is, that happens often. My mind is all over the place and I am sure as you read it will reflect just that. I wonder if I will ever have days filled with “normal” thoughts rather then having “triggers” or “flashbacks”. Then again I do like to be reminded of my reality. Crazy back and forth thoughts!!

Who Am I? I have been asking myself this lately. I told Steve the other day that I feel like a stranger in my own body. I know! It sounds so weird, but honestly I look in the mirror each morning when I wake up and I just don’t recognize the person in the mirror. What do I mean? My hair is the same (aside from more gray! Yikes!), I am a little more round (thyroid issues!!) and my face looks the same. OK…there are a few outward changes caused by age and stress.

The changes I see are not on the outside that make me feel like a stranger living in someone elses body. You see there are no visual cuts and bruises on the outside. The ache in my heart will never be noticed by people walking by or even by people who know me well. The c-section scar that I look at as a reminder will also not be seen by anyone …for that is the one thing physical I have been given to remind myself that Larson was here! I do look at this scar with pride! The thoughts in my head are never produced in pictures for all to see. All the aches, pains, visions and thoughts will remain inside my body. The healing of them will come over time…so I’m told! How long I often ask myself? Why do I need to know? Can’t I trust a good God who is molding me? Why does this need to be rushed? I wish I new sometimes, yet I also know that this is all Gods timing also. He is the potter I am the clay.

8 Yet, O LORD, you are our Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand.

Gods Word does not tell us how long it takes for Him to mold us and what means He will use. He just says that He will complete the work started in us. It will be complete when come before Jesus.

Philippians 1:6
6being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Beside the constant thoughts and aches, the things I used to enjoy are just not the same. The conversations I would have with others are not what I gravitate to now. I used to love big parties, now I get claustrophobic. I used to love to meet new people, now I would rather sit alone on a bench. I used to be planning my days before hand, now I'm luck if I know what is going on tomorrow or the next, but never more then that. I don’t even use a calender anymore…just my blackberry so I know what I am doing today, possible tomorrow. I am anxious planning things. I know that we are to be wise and plan, but I'm a little “gun shy” now! What if I don’t feel like doing that when that day comes. I can’t predict my desires! I know that change is good, its just sometime hard when you have no control over it. I know that we can make choices as to how we can choose to live. I'm not just sitting around like a lump on a log waiting for the Potter to finish. Its just that it takes me more effort then before to do things that were so easy. Kind of like walking into the wind and although I have to walk harder and brace myself more, I still walk in that direction. An awkward walk at times, but He is with me nonetheless.

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me

5 months and 18 days ago I was saying good-bye to my son. I wrapped him up in his outfit I especially picked out for him. I only had one to buy and I wanted it to be perfect! Whatever perfect is…I handed him over to my brother-in-laws who so kindly waited for the mortuary to pick him up. Steve and I just could not hand him to a stranger. I know this is such odd thoughts to some. These were definitely odd to me 9 months ago. Details I would never have thought we would be planning and yet we did. So know I often find myself in a surreal state. Knowing this happened but still in the twilight zone. Or as I told Steve the other day…Comfortably Numb!!!

I often wonder if I will ever be able to walk away from Larsons grave site without tears. I often wonder where I will be in 4 months. Who will I be then? I find myself wanting to know NOW, something I have to wait for. And isn’t this part of the whole road I am walking. Taking each day as it comes. Then why am I wondering things I just need to wait for? Am I in a hurry? If I am…Why? Because I am uncomfortable in my shoes right now, or because others are uncomfortable with me? So many questions, so many things that contradict themselves and don’t even make sense to me! I can’t imagine what it looks like to others.

I find myself thinking back of what I was like immediately after Larson passed away or even 3 months ago. My tears are not constant now, but they are still here. Pouring out for reasons I sometimes can’t prepare myself for. Is it the little boys who are Larsons age that I see at church every week? Or all the babies I see at the park? (I’m considering moving to a retirement home!!) Is it the pregnant lady I pass with a grin on her face enjoying the upcoming birth of her child? Is it watching my children play with babies knowing they will not have the chance to do that with Larson? Is it my children playing on bikes, resting in bed, giving us hugs, arguing with one another, laughing, singing, etc and knowing I will not see this in Larson?

I know that I can stay stuck in the questions. I don’t want to, but I also can’t stop thinking of what Larson may be like. It is not all day anymore, just thoughts at times. My heart will always have a little bit of an ache for him. After months of kicking and turning in my womb, hiccuping all day long and thoughts of what he may be like…it is weird to be left with empty arms. All that movement and bonding for 9 months and then pouring all of our love out onto him in a mere 23 hours. How is this all possible? It really does seem that it has not happen.

After much pondering of who I will be over the course of the next days, weeks, months and years…God is faithful to tell me in His Word. He always answers my questions. Not always specifically and not always what I want Him to say…but HE DOES ANSWER. Yet I know that some of His answers will never be understood until I am in Glory. Then I will see the upper side of the tapestry that He is painting. For now, I can only see a very small corner of this tapestry. Oh how beautiful it will be in Heaven.

So here I am almost 6 months since we gave Larson back to the Lord, and almost 9 months since we found out his condition was fatal.

2 Corinthians 4:7-12
7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

All this being said, there are still more and more days that I have become more settled into my new desires, likes, etc. But honestly…I am still changing and “redefining” my life in Christ. I know my faith was real before, but my faith looks different now. I hope stronger. For we are not home yet and until I hear “Well done, good and faithful servant”..I will continue to change into what the Potter wants!


Laura said...

I'm thankful our potters wheels are right next to lump of clay feels a bit disheveled again...reshaping always hurts. I love what you are being shaped into...

Tamara said...

I love you Corie, I love your heart, I love your ramblings because through them you touch my heart.

Your honesty will pull many out of their, "comfortably numb" walk with a fresh insite of the weary soul "walking", "running" & "crawling" through the valleys we are all called to...

These valleys are the Potters shop to santify the soul!

May Jesus bless your every step, your every tear, your every why!

I love you my friend, Tam

The Beidle Family said...

Corie, This is not rambling...this is real..and that is what I love about you. Thank you for being so transparent. I pray that people can take the time to read truly grasp what you are experiencing. It takes a leap of faith to put your heart out there and that is just what you have done. You could trap all of this inside and not let anyone in...instead you are reaching out, knowing it must be hard for them to understand or relate..but hoping that they may see a glimpse of what you are enduring. You are just genuine and have a sweet faith that shines bright.
Press on my friend...because as you said our end goal is that final day when we can hear the sweet words from our gracious Father....well done good and faithful servant!

sumi said...

I understand, Corie, I really do. HUGS...

When you mentioned the tapestry I thought of th place in Ps. 45 where it says something like: The king's daughter is all glorious within, her clothing is of wrought gold.

God is weaving a garment for you girl, and it is made up of the gold that does not perish in the fire. The word 'wrought' brings to mind a great attention to detail, and I want to encourage you to know that God is not missing anything but taking care of every little thing in your life.

He is making you like him - and his glory will be seen in you.

Carlton and Aimee Weathers said...

I understand. Every single word you wrote. I completly get it.

As clueless as you may feel, God is using you for His glory.

Missing you so much this week..

analisa said...

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and your family!! I'd love to see you, but at the same time, I completely understand it proably isn't the right time yet. I met a woman at the pool the other day who knows you---her older daughter is in Emma's class, she said that they went to obrien pool with you last week---I forgot to ask her name.

boltefamily said...

Well Corie, if that was rambling, I am right there with you! Sometimes I read your posts and wonder if you are inside MY head! I am struggling so hard to find who I am in the midst of this everchanging storm of life! Please know you are NEVER alone! I love you!