Trying to Make Sense of it all

I sit down today so heavy hearted trying to grasp the reality of all that is going on around me...

Today we celebrated the my sweet Lukes kindergarten graduation. A day certainly to be celebrated. As I sat and watched him up on the stage, tears fell from my eyes. Why? I should have a smile on my face. Today was bittersweet. I had the joy of watching him sing songs and smile, while in my heart I wished I had my 4 month old baby sitting on my lap. Today is the 22nd and so a day I would be counting the months of my baby. I will never be able to watch Larson graduate on from kindergarten, never help him with a skinned knee or have a hand print project that I would store away to show him as he walks the aisle for his high school graduation.

But today I was reminded, there is no guarantee for anyother day with my other children either. As I woke up this morning a friend text me telling me of another tragedy. The Steven Curtis Chapman family had just lost their 5 year old daughter in a tragic accident last night. We met him back in February, a month after Larson died. We had a chance to thank him for his music that ministered to us so mightily during our difficult time. We shared with him the great songs we used at the memorial service. With genuine compassion and tears in his eyes, he cried with us and told us how hard it has been to see close friends lose children. Never would he have thought that in just 3 short months he would be faced with this same daunting task. My heart breaks for them. As a parent you never want to be faced with something so final.

On another sad note, yesterday my grandfather passed away at the age of 85 from a long battle with cancer. We will be going to his funeral tomorrow. This has brought back so many thoughts of our last moments with Larson. The planning of a funeral is so much to bear. My grandfather had been sick for awhile and so really we were waiting for him to pass. Just like Larson, we knew there was nothing we could do. No matter what, whether 85 years after cancer or 23 hours from a fatal disorder, waiting just seems surreal. How do you sit and just wait?

All of these situations have made me try to make sense of things so hard to make sense of. God is clear in His word that our days are numbered. In Matthew 10:30 Jesus is reminds us to trust Him. Jesus says, "But the very hairs of your head are all numbered." Even when we know death is near, we don't know the exact moment just that it is coming. Only God knows our days. Yet the Chapman family did not have a fatal diagnosis. They were not expecting to be planning a funeral this weekend for their 5 year old daughter. Their plan was to be celebrating a sons graduation and daughters engagement. Life can change in just an instant. Their lives will NEVER be the same. They will be better but it will be because of much heartache.

This blog seems to be rambling just as my thougthts are. As I laid down to rest from emotional exhaustion today, I sat and thought of so many who have lost a loved one or whose lives unexpectedly changed in a matter of a moment.
--A friend who lost her father at the age of 55 from a short battle with cancer and a mother who was 52 along with a brother who was 19 from a tragic car accident all in 9 months.
--A friend who had 9 minutes with their new baby.
--A friend who had less then an hour with their new baby.
--A friend whose mom was 52 and passed away just 14 days after getting a diagnosis of cancer.
--My grandfather at the age of 86.
--A friend who was expecting a sweet baby girl never expecting to be carry for a severely handicapped child.
--A dear lady who lost her husband after 55 years of marriage.
Some knew in utero they would have to say good-bye, some didn't know what was coming and some had a short amount of time after a cancer diagnosis. None of us know the exact moment of death or what our lives have in store for us. At any time the direction can turn like the wild currents of the ocean. We can never predict our future or our moments to moments.

I guess all I can say as I write all these words, is in the end it won't always make sense to us. It will never make sense to me and so I go back to what I know I can forever cling to, and someone I can always count on....To trust completely in Jesus Christ and His promise of eternity in Heaven with Him for whomever believes in Him.

I can not fathom the grief God had when He knew the only way to save His children from sin was to give up His only Son as the ultimate sacrifice for the redemption of our sins. Gods plan was not death, but when sin entered the world there in lied the birth of death.

So at the end of the day as I try to figure this all out. Where do I go? The same place I went before Larson and the same place I will always go? Straight to Jesus. He promises..."Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28

I can say that through this storm, Yes I will praise Him, Yes I will love Him and Yes I will hold tight to Him. There is nothing else to hold on to but Gods promises.

I lift my eyes up
up to the Heavens
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from you,
Maker of Heaven
Creator of the Earth.

Please pray for the Chapman family this weekend and for the many days ahead as they will be burying their precious daughter and try to figure out what life is without her here.
I also ask for pray for my family for strength as we bury another.
This is a tough time, but I know my God is with me.

God's Timing--Jonah 4:6

I continue to be so thankful for the grace God gives to me during this time. I have realized that I see his grace behind me, but not always in front of me and that is because I don't need it tomorrow...YET. But He will be faithful to carry me tomorrow just as He is doing today.

I find myself not crying all day long as before. It seems now that it is at different, unexpected times. Seeing babies Larsons age is still difficult and to some extent will always be. I see more of them now that the weather has gotten nicer. Just as the baby animals come out in the spring, so do us humans after being cooped up for winter. So before going to the park I find myself praying and preparing myself. But I do know that Gods grace is sufficent. While getting ready for bed I was reading Charles Spurgeon "Beside Clear Waters" and came across this. It came at a perfect time, just as all things do.


Just when we need a mercy, and when the mercy is much more a mercy because it is so timely, that is when it comes. If it had come later, it might have been too late, or at any rate it would not have been so seasonable and thus not so sweet.

Who knows what is the right time? God, who sees all at a single glance know. He knows when to give and He knows when to take. In every godly life there is a set time for each event. There is no need to ask, "Why is the white here and the black there? Why this gleam of sunlight and that roar of tempest? Why here a marriage and there a funeral? Why sometimes a harp and at other times a trumpet?" God knows. And it is a great blessing when we can leave it all in His hands.

Let the plant come up in the night and it will be a good night. Let the plant wither in the morning and it will be a good morning (Jon. 4:6-7). All is well if it is in God's hands. Let us distinctly recognize God in all our comforts: when they come when we are unworthy, when they come in a form in which we most require them, and when they come when we are most in need.

A New Kind of Mothers Day

I have spent much of today pondering what my mothers day will look like tomorrow. One thing is for sure...it will be different. I will be visiting Larson with my family at a cemetary. Then I begin to wonder...Where did mothers day come from? What do other people do who have lost their mother, or sister, or child. I know there are many others out there hurting on this day. I am praying for all of you.

Thank you Larson for making me aware of the suffering and hurt around me

Just as I was trying to "plan" my day...my dear sweet neighbor came with a package in hand. Left it at the door and rang. I know that she would not want any of the recognition. Sorry Phylis!! This is a picture of what she brought. An adorable frame to put one of Larsons ultrasound pictures in. The picture is not so great...the gift is so sweet. Reminding me that God did choose Larson perfectly for our family

Thank you Larson for reminding me to have compassion for others.

Tomorrow may be a hard one. As I look around and see all of the mommies hugging on their babies...me with empty arms. I WILL have four of my adorable chilren here to hug and kiss all day long and be thankful for. I will also have one son in heaven who has given our family so much, and continues to do so.

Thank you Larson for making me cherish the gifts and blessings that God has given to me. You will always be one of those blessings.

To all of you who have a child who went straight from your arms into the arms of Jesus, to you who have lost your mother, to you who have lost a sister...Happy Mothers Day! You will be in my thoughts and prayers. And remember that we can not put to much into this holiday.

Thank you Larson for reminding me that Mothers Day is not just about Hallmark cards and gifts and breakfasts in bed. For those things will surely fade away. What will always remain is Christ our Saviour.

So on this day I will spend my day worshipping Christ my Saviour. The one my son is with and the one I look forward to be with. Mothers day will not, and should not, be any different. We worship the Creator as we do everyday. We praise him for the blessings He has given to us and thank him for our mothers and chilren and family and friends...Just as we do everyday. Oh Yeah...I don't think they have mothers day in Heaven. It will be much better then that. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

The Roller Coaster of Grief

I have decided that I am on the roller coaster of grief. Just when I feel like I have gone a whole day without crying, my emotions go down to sadness. Even in a matter of minutes. The last week has been a difficult one. My grandfather is in hospice care and could die any day. It is a surreal feeling to go to his hospital room and just sit and watch him. It brings me back to January 22nd when Larson was born. We laid with him, snuggled him and watched...and waited. We knew there was nothing we could do to change the situation. No one could give him a brain. It was only a matter of time that his body would eventually shut down. As we explained to our children...Larson did not have his control center. Without a brain you can not function. My children know more about the human body then I did at their age.

As mothers day approaches, I feel somewhat anxious. What am I going to do this mothers day. I can't do the same thing...things just are not the same. God has given me 5 beautiful children, but one is not here to celebrate with. I do know he is having the best celebration possible with Jesus.

As we got in our car tonight after being with some friends my children were discussing where Larson would be sitting in the car. How their seats would be rearranged. But that is not how it is. Luke told Emma.."Larson is Gods baby now", and Emma said.."No Luke, Larson is still our baby he is just with Jesus now". How how much their little minds have had to process. Trying to understand it all as I am too. I am sure they wonder how to be sad. Do you show your sadness for everyone to see, or do you try to tuck it away for some other day when you feel safe to share it? I don't have the answers for them. Even my children have to grieve in a way that is best for them. Whether that means talking, writing, drawing or even crying. We are all trying to get through the days. My children know that Larson will be missing on Mothers Day as he will for every other holiday. Just another step in this process!!

I have to say there are times when I just don't want to do this at all. I wonder why grief has to be so hard. Why do I have to feel so different? Who was I 6 months ago? Why can't I be the same person? How can I possibly be the same happy again? How can I go from smiling to crying in a matter of minutes? And then I know in my head that I don't want to be the same. I want to embrace what the Lord is doing in my life. I want to remind myself that God chose our family to have Larson for a time. He was a special gift that not everyone gets to experience. Having Larson was a blessing. I wish I could have had him his whole life, but if I only get 23 hours...Well then I would do it again just to meet my son.

Larson....You are our son, our brother, our friend. We miss you so much. Thank you God for letting me be the one who gets to be Larsons mommy. I am thankful and will be forever blessed by him.

Ode to Larson

I have wanted to share this amazing poem that a friend wrote for us from church. I know he would never want the recognition, but he has ministered to Steve and I so much during this difficult time. Besides this poem he sent us letters that will be forever treasured.

A pulpit was your mommy's arms
Your voice your daddy's tears
You told things well no man could tell
Who'd lived a thousand years

You taught us how each day to seize
Who live upon this earth
That life so smeared with many tears
Excels the one of mirth

You showed us mightier lessons still
Great things in pack'ges small
That God can use an infants coos
To sanctify us all

You proved that strength through weakness comes
More frailties more our grace
The man who plods each day with God
Alone concludes the race

Your life reminded us of Christ
Like you cut short in grief
Both taught that man in his brief span
Can show us God's relief

Now come the strong with learning deep
Who've preached for many days
But they shall fail and efforts pale
Against your simple ways

He lived with us but for a day
A man from God was he
And though he's gone he preaches on
Throughout eternity.


How honored I am to be called Larsons mommy. He will always be a special treasure to us. I long for the day to see him again. Until then, we hope he will continue to remind us of Christ and all He has done for us.

Reflection

Today Larson would be 3 months old. I would have been getting his 3 month pictures taken. Maybe even some with his siblings. I know that for some it may seem so wierd that I continue to think of what he would be doing. Maybe it is because there have been 20 babies born since October. Yes, this is not an exaggeration and I can name each one of them. I am constantly seeing who Larson would be "friends" with grow up before my eyes...only it is through other peoples children. I wonder who he would have played with. Just another thing I am getting used to, or shall I say comfortable with.

There is much about the new me. I know I look the same on the outside (aside from a new hairstyle), but I am not. Just like a wound you may get on your knee. Overtime the wound will heal. Depending on the size it can reopen if scrapped again. But eventually it will heal with a scar. The scars' size depends on the size of the wound. My wound is large. The largest I have had this far. Often random things can reopen it. Maybe a baby I see, something someone says or doesn't say or even a smell. I can say that it is healing. It doesn't hurt all day anymore, depending on the day. Sometimes things that help or hurt, may be just the opposite the next day.I know this may all seem confusing. It is just as confusing to me. Grief and mourning is downright confusing. This is something I could not have prepared myself for. I don't expect you to understand all this, especially if you have not buried someone so close. I just ask for patience as I go through it. I know some will walk this road with me for however long it may take. Others may get frustrated, confused or annoyed that it doesn't look the way they think it should and just give up trying. I may not be easy to understand right now. I don't always understand myself. I wish I could give you a timeline...I just don't have it yet!

During the last 3 months, my thoughts often go to the Cross and the sacrifice of Jesus himself. I wonder about his earthly mother Mary. Didn't she grieve wathcing her Son die a heartwrenching death. I have to assume so. And didn't our Father in Heaven grieve also. If not for sin entering the world, Jesus would not of had to die. I take comfort in knowing that God is "A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief". Isaiah 53:3 He understands my grief more than anyone else and He asks me to share it with him. And yet God was willing to sacrifice his own Son for us. "For God so love the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that WHOEVER BELIVES in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16 And Jesus was willing although wishing it could be different. "O My Father, if this cup cannot pass away from Me unless I drink it, Your will be done." Matthew 26:42 Steve and I were willing to let our son go. I have to be honest...that is not what we wanted. We would have loved to see a miracle in the healing of our son. We know God could have done that. He chose not to. Why? I may never know, but there came a point during my pregnancy when I realized the miracle was not going to be what I thought it should be. I had to trust in what God was doing no matter what.

So as I continue my grieving process I long to know more about God. There are times when I feel myself falling BUT I know that He is hanging on to me if if I am hanging on by what feeling like a small thread.
So today at the three month mark I reflect much on what has happened. Just as the picture represents...we let our sweet Larson go. He is perfect in the arms of Jesus now. I do take great comfort that he is fine, its just that it feels so long until I will see him again. Until then I will keep walking this journey with God in front of me showing me the way.

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2

Larsons Story

I felt compelled today to share our story, from the beginning. I know some of you reading this may want to know more or don't know much about his story at all. If you don't want to know more..thats ok too.

My pregnancy started on the uneasy side. I was sicker than my other four children, but I tried to attribute it to my age or maybe that it was a girl and I had forgotten if I was sick with Emma. Deep down inside I always felt uneasy. Call it a mothers instinct, but from 8 weeks on I just felt something was wrong.

On October 2nd of last year (2007), Steve and I went in for our routine ultrasound. We brought Emma with us because she longed to have a sister and we thought she would like to be the first to find out. I was strangely nervous to have her there, but after some convincing we decided to take her.

The ultrasound seemed like forever, but was probably the same amount of time. The tech had a hard time seeing if our baby was a boy or a girl. After the ultrasound, and little talk, she sent us to our scheduled doctors appointment. I could tell by the doctors face that something was seriously wrong. The doctor told us that there was a tremendous amount of fluid in Larson’s brain and in his chest cavity. It was shocking. Needless to say, we were shocked and speechless. We didn’t know if this was serious. Steve kept trying to convince me that it would be ok. I, on the other hand, was not so sure and as we drove home we all began to weep.

We were so scared and confused. The next few days were agonizing as we waited for the Level II ultrasound at a specialists office to diagnois more clearly what was happening with Larson. That day finally came.

The Dr. diagnosed Larson with HPE (alobar holoprolocephaly). A diagnosis that has been offically called a bad word in our house and a name that we now have come to loathe. Basically Larson had nothing more than a brain stem. He also had a 13th gene deletion. Every cell in his body was not complete. We left the office shattered. I could hardly stand as we left the doctors office. I felt like I was in a dream. How could this be happening. We have 4 healthy children. We cried so hard because the prognosis was so grim and there seemed to be little hope. The doctors suggestion was termination. We knew God has a plan for our baby and it was not up to us to decide the length of his life.

We began researching the condition and finding no comfort. It was hard to imagine that our son was not going to live very long. Instead of decorating a nursery, buying toys and diapers...we would be planning a funeral. We would be picking out a casket, songs we liked and clothes to wear.

As Larson began to grow in my womb, he was very active. He moved constantly which made the situation more bewildering. If he has all of these problems how could he be moving so much? He did not have the part of the brain to have wake and sleep patterns. I don't think there was a day that went by that I didn't ask Steve...Are you sure he doesn't have a brain? It was so hard to fathom that as a mom I could not fix him. I could not just put on some anitboitic cream and a band-aid. My son was going to be born and I could do NOTHING. I had to let him go.

On January 22nd, I went in to have Larson. I was nervous and scared. It was amazing how on that day there was so much peace in the delivery room. It was strangly quiet as everyone who was with us new the circumstances. We were not just giving birth to our baby on this day, we were also preparing to say good-bye. Something that you can never prepare for except with the comfort of our faithful God.

Larson was born at 9:28am. He came out with a single cry. Something I will never forget. His heart rate was very low at only 20 beats per minute and he was very blue. They were sure he would not make it out of the delivery room. As Steve put him on my chest, I couldn't believe just how beautiful he was. I never knew I could love someone so much in such a short amount of time. Amazing that what was laying on my chest, was our flesh and blood. He was so beautiful.

Just as we thought he would pass, Larson started to rally. His skin became more and more pink. He made little noises every few minutes. Almost like he was singing. And as we went into the recover room he moved a little bit and opened one eye. It was so precious.

Our four children came to the recovery room to visit their baby brother that they were so excited to have. They were so quiet and they just gazed at their brother with wide eyes and big smiles. They caressed his head, kissed his cheek and held his hand. We prepared them for what may happen. Our kids saw Larson alive and so to them they thought he would be ok and come home. He looked like nothing could be wrong.

We then went to our room and Larson met his grandparents, his aunts and uncles. They held him and cherished him and Larson was so loved. Larson lit up the room. It it almost seemed as though he was holding us up on his little shoulders. His heart rate was now steady at 130.

After everyone left, Steve and I just sat with Larson between us and for 5 hours he sang to us and we played music for him and we cherished our son SO MUCH. I can’t describe how awesome it was that God had blessed us with such a moment in time. To experience something so incredible.

Our children came back that evening with more family visitors. Larson was never out of someones arms. For 3 hours his brothers and sister exchanged moments of holding him, kissing him and loving him. The time had come for everyone to leave and Steve and I were again snuggling with our baby boy.

Our night was hard and Larson was still fighting. We were so exhausted but we did not want to fall asleep. Larson stayed with either Steve or myself. There were moments we thought he had past. We cherished each minute we had with him.

In the morning at 7:30 a.m., just 23 hours after he made his entrance into this world, he opened his one eye and took his final look at his. He then made his only smile as if he had seen Jesus and to let us know he would be just fine and he took his last breath. He was in Steves arms. We could not believe that he was gone. We know that God was with us each step of the way. There is no other way we could have watched our son pass in our arms without the Lords comfort.

Never could I imagine that just 9 months earlier we were finding out that we were going to have another little one around and now we were letting him go. Larson would never make it to this eartly home, he would never be in a nursery, he would never grow to play with his siblings.

But... one thing is for certein...Larsons life could not have been more perfect. He spend 9 months in his mommys womb. Safe and warm. He spent 23 hours cuddled by those who loved him...And KNOW he rests forever in the arms of Jesus. Ironicaly January 22nd was also the 35th anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. He was worth all the sickness, pain and sadness. He brought us so much joy. Larson may have never come home with us, but he did make it safetly to his Heavenly home.


I take great comfort that Larson NEVER experienced pain, heartache, misery, sadness, illness, rejection, etc. He truly has experienced a perfect life.

This world causes us so much distraction and we are caught up in so many things. And sometimes we must walk through the valley to stand on the mountain to see what God has done with us and to see where He is taking us.

How could we be angry or upset with God when Larson was spared from so much pain, suffering and agony in this world. He was never without love, without affection, without attention and he was always held.

It is one thing to believe that God is faithful during the dark times of life, it is another thing to experience it. God has given us the strength to get through each and every day. Our faith is being tried and tested, but I know God will not let us go. We will continue to grow in the knowledge of him. My desire to know God intimatly has gotten stronger. I know there will continue to be challenging times ahead as we move forward without Larson in our arms. BUT...God will be with us.

I know that this season in our life is for a purpose. Thank you for walking this path with me. Listening over and over about Larson.