Emma's Poem

I wanted to share this sweet poem with everyone that Emma wrote. She made one for Larson and then did the same poem for Sophie and Pearls families. What a tender little girl she is. Larson has definitly been on her mind and she often expresses her feelings through her writing.

Oh Little Larson
Little Larson Oh Little Larson
You died a long time ago.
Oh how we miss you.
You were cute and little.
But you struggled deeply.
You tried to fight,
But it was to hard.
And now you are with the Holy One.
In Heaven playing with your mates who suffered too.
You are perfect now.
Oh how we all long to live with you there.
Oh little Larson we miss you.

A Puzzle

I was talking with Steve yesterday and trying to explain to him how I feel right now. I told him I feel like a puzzle. Five months ago, I was put together, I new where each piece belonged and I could see the picture clearly. Well after October 2nd, I feel like someone took the puzzle and threw the pieces everywhere. Now I am trying to find the pieces, put them back together in a different puzzle with a different picture. This may all sound strange and it is. I feel like a totally different person and I am not sure yet what I will be like. I enjoy so much being a wife and mother. It is what gets me out of bed each day. Each day with my family amazes me, especailly seeing things with them so differently. Things like watching them laugh, run and play, and even argue. Amazing that they have a brain that coordinates things that we so take for granted! This picture of our whole family is one I will cherish forever. I will not have another family picture where we are all together. I am thankful that during this time I know that God has been with as will continue to be with us.
Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepard;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the path of righteousness
For His names's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.

Don't they know???

I wish there was some way to prepare for the passing of your child. There is just no way to do so. I wish I could have time to sit and reflect on what is going on. To just mourn and grieve for my baby, but it doesn't take long (maybe a week) before you are reminded that this is not going to be easy or "normal". Today a person called to talk to me about my "newborn" son Larson. She was from the specialist office and there was a bill she was calling about. Ok I know this lady had no way of knowing that Larson was not here anymore and I know she felt bad. I sure wish there could have been some note some how in my file so neither of us had to feel bad. There are so many things that I could not prepare for while grieving my loss...
-The hospital bills.
-The death certificate to show he is gone.
-Bills for a funeral
-The birth certificate with a stamp on it saying he is gone.
-Letter from the cemetary to tell me when they "clean up stuff".
-Visting my son weekly at his gravesite.
-Getting formula amples in the mail.
-Getting the pamplets to tell you the milestones of"what your child should be doing know"
-Preparing for holidays without Larson.
-Taking down the crib he would have slept in.
-Listening to my children talk about their brother who has died.
These are all harsh realities of death and its finality. I know we will all face it someday. I just never though I would be burying my child! So how am I doing? Each day I meditate on God word and am reminded that is safe. I take comfort in knowing that God is in control. I know that God is my Comforter and knows my every emotion. I miss my son. He would probably be starting to smile at us know, but instead he is with the Lord. I know he doesn't miss us. He is in the best place he could be! But we miss him and will until we are reunited.
If you are reading this...Thank you!
Thank you for listening. Thank you for reading my blog. Thank you for trying to understand even if you don't know what to say. Thank you for sticking by us during this difficult time. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for being our friends. IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME!

3 families, their babies and their stories

I wanted to sit down (while it is still fresh) and update everyone on my amazing weekend. I feel like this continues to be a dream although this is a GREAT story. Most of you know it, but I'll catch you up to speed if you haven't heard. In October when we found out that Larson would not be with us long, my friend Molly contacted me about her friend Laura. She told me Lauras story about Pearl. The most amazing part is that Molly told me the story of her friend Laura about 15 months ago. I NEVER forgot about Laura. At the end of October, Laura contacted me. I'll never forget seeing my caller ID and picking up the phone so fast. The person on the other line I never met before..but I knew her. Laura had been walking this journey for 15 months already and on top of that she is a labor and delivery nurse. So while talking with Laura daily (sometimes multiple times a day!!) I was searching to find out more information about Larsons genetic issue. Larson had a 13th gene deletion. Every one of his cells was affected and that is what caused the severity of his brain condtion ( I know more than I want about this!!). While searching on line I found a site for babies who have been diagnosed with trisomy 13. They have extra information on each cell. On this website is where I saw Aimees information. I know the Lord ordained this as well. I emailed Aimee and she contacted me back in the beginning of December. The three of us have been exchanging emails ever since. Aimee and I were going through this at the same time and Laura so graciously helped. While having Larson one January 22nd in Denver, Aimee was having Sophie in Alabama. Our memorial servies were at he exact same time! Well this weekend Aimee and her husband flew in from Anniston, Alabama. Our families had an amazing time, sharing pictures, eating lots, having tea and just being friends. Its as if we new one another our whole life. I am SO THANKFUL for God and these women He has brought together.

Prayer Please

Tomorrow (March 11th) I will be going in for my six week check. I have put this off already. Usually you walk in the doctors office with your baby in tow. Showing him off to the office staff and doctor. Tomorrow, I will be showing people my pictures of my son who is gone. Praise the Lord that Larson is safe in the arms of Jesus. I am glad that I have hope, but I still have aching arms wishing I was holding him. Levi, Landon and I visited Larson at the cemetary this morning. What a beautiful day, but still hard to believe that my son has be buried!! So hard to continue to try to get our arms wrapped around all of this.

6 weeks!

I sit and look at Larsons pictures and can not believe it has been just six weeks since we said good-bye. Sometime it feels like just yesterday and other times it feels longer. I close my eyes often to remember my time with him. Remembering his sweet smell and noises. Remembering his sister and brothers looking at him in awe and being so proud. We continue to take each day as it comes. How I wish I could be sharing him with you in his littel infant carrier, but that is not the path God has given to our family. Emma, Luke, Landon and Levi miss their brother so much. Each one expresses it so differently. I think seeing other babies is just as hard for them. They know what they are missing. It is good to continue to remind them that this is not the end. They talk often about where Larson is and we look forward to seeing him again someday with Jesus. I finally got my mail. I had enough courage to open the mailbox and put it in the back of my car. I know that I will need to eventually go through it. All in good time! I praise the Lord for the pictures we have of Larson. I love sharing them. I hope you enjoy seeing him.

What a difference a day makes!

What a difference a day makes!
I find myself inside amazed at how yesterday can be 70 degrees and today it is blizzarding and 20 degrees. It seems I am reminded that not only can the weather change in 12 hours, but so did my life. I find myself wondering what life was like before October 2nd. I know we were looking forward to having another little one running around. I find myself looking at pictures before we found out what would happen to Larson. My smile is a little different then. Don't get me wrong I am so thankful for what the Lord has given to me. Although the pain is intense. I thought I would share something from my friends Aimees blog (she is the one who had Sophie Ann the same day as Larson),hope you enjoy this. It says what I want to say right now.

I would still be worried about how clean my house is, if the laundry was done, and the unloaded dishwasher; rather than spending my time reading, playing, and singing with my two children.

I would still be worrying about financial matters, retirement, ect, rather than trusting Christ with my life and focusing on my One true provider.

I would still be concerned with what Emma is wearing (is it up to my standards, which includes a matching hairbow), rather than taking the time to teach my little girl that our beauty comes from within, and not how we dress.

I would still be fretting over the fact that the children continually come to our bedroom and wake us up, rather than cherishing the quiet moments when they lay next to me and I can listen to them breathe.

I would still be doing more talking, rather than listening.

I would still be taking for granted my precious husband, rather than seeing how truly blessed I am to have a Godly husband who adores every fiber of my being.

I would still be thinking I am in control of my life, rather than knowing and trusting God's complete sovereignty.

I would still be taking for granted the fact that every child is a miracle, rather than seeing the face of every child and being amazed at how wonderfully they are formed.

I would still be living in my own little happy world unconcerned about unbelievers, rather than having my heart break when I know that others around me don't know Christ.

If I were on the other side of this blog, I would think "she sure has been through a lot" and "I feel so sorry for them" and quietly be so thankful that it wasn't happening to me.

But then...

I wouldn't have been blessed to see the face of my son.
I wouldn't have known such tremendous love and such devastating loss.
I wouldn't have been able to see how the Lord can work through such uncertain times.
I wouldn't have been brought to my knees and my face in prayer.
I wouldn't have had this heart for families that have lost a child.
I wouldn't have known what it meant to truly long for Heaven.
I wouldn't have understood peace that passes all understanding.
I wouldn't have met such amazing people that have strengthened and sustained me.
I wouldn't have been overwhelmingly surrounded by friends and family.
I wouldn't have known the meaning of being united in everything with my husband.
I wouldn't have had such a beautiful way to share about Heaven with Larson.
I wouldn't have witnessed how God can dramatically answer prayer.
I wouldn't have been on the receiving end of such love and service to our family.
I wouldn't have realized how short, yet precious life can be.
I wouldn't have understood what Christ means by trusting Him in all circumstances.
I wouldn't have felt the Lord carry us as we persevere under trial.
I wouldn't have been able to share our testimony of His faithfulness with so many people....

I simply wouldn't have understood how God's plan could be fulfilled through a baby that just lived for 23 hours...I wouldn't have known my sweet Larson. I would still be a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend that sought to understand suffering and trials... Now I can be that person, because I do.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial because when he has stood the test, he will received the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."- James 1:12