String of Pearls

Laura with me after Larson was born.

I have shared with some of you in the previous months about a foundation being started for families who are being faced with a fatal diagnosis for their unborn baby. Well….it is starting. My friend Laura sent me this email and I would like to pass along via blog to share with you all. Laura has been such a blessing during this past 9 months and I would like to take this opportunity to share the story again. This is a long post, but PLEASE read to the end. I think it will be worth the time!

This is string of Pearls played out….
On October 2nd after finding out that our sweet Larson had many things going on in his body and would either die in utero or shortly thereafter, Steve and I were filled with grief. The only option given to us was termination. We were told we need to make the decision quickly as we had to do it by 22 weeks. Well that was not an option for us, but we walked away from that office filled with sadness and darkness. We had 4 healthy children..How were we going to wait 18+ more weeks to welcome our child only to say good-bye. Well God was working long before this as we always know He is. We just can’t see it so hopefully sharing this will give others Hope that He is before us, with us and in front of us.

On October 17th (yes I wrote it down!) my phone rang and caller ID said…Laura Huene. Why did I know who she was? Because I heard about Laura from a good friend of mine who grew up with her and told me Pearls story 15 months before. I never forgot about this “precious girl” and of course I would ask how this girl Laura was doing. I was not pregnant yet, I did not know Laura, but I knew her story. Anyway I quickly picked up the phone and just wept. I knew finally I could talk to someone who understood just exactly how I was feeling. Well our friendship blossomed and I felt so supported. Laura was in the delivery room when my sweet Larson was born and she even told him “secrets” to tell Pearl when he got there.

This friendship God has given me is beyond incredible. I have see Him work in the midst of so much sadness. I have been given so much hope. Having someone who understands walk along side me has been priceless. Between Laura who walked the path first, and Aimee (from Alabama) who walked at the same time…Well lets just say…Our God Reigns!!!


HERE IS THE LETTER FROM LAURA ABOUT STRING OF PEARLS
Hello,

For the past 2 years Josh and I have had a vision to walk with families who are walking the same journey we walked with our sweet Pearl. The vision is finally becoming a reality. We have started a non-profit organization called String of Pearls. This is a safe place for families who have received a fatal prenatal diagnosis and have made the decision to carry the baby for as long as their body allows. We will be working alongside the medical community as a liaison for the families, provide support from other families who have been on this journey and offering so many other resources.

It has been a long process to form the organization and after long months of creating and writing our website is up, we have meetings set up with Doctors in the Denver area and our 501c3 paperwork is being approved! I feel like this has taken so long to get to this point and I am so thankful for ALL the people that have been a part of making this become a reality. I'm continually amazed at how God continues to use one tiny baby girl to reach out to so many others.

Will you pray for me and for those that are involved in String of Pearls? We are choosing to help others honor life and we need to cover these precious families in prayer as well as the people that are involved in caring for the families. Will you also consider financially helping String of Pearls? The website gives a detailed account of the services we will provide and our goal is to do this at no charge to the families. There is a place on the website to donate online as well as a mailing address. Our desire is to reach as many families as possible and give them hope and peace as they walk the most difficult journey of their lives. Thank you for praying and supporting us each step of the way. Please pass this on to your friends and anyone else you may know who would be interested in this. Go now and see our beautiful website.

www.stringofpearlsonline.org

Thank you again for being a part of this journey.

With hope and love,
Josh and Laura

Psalm 126:3-6

The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
like streams in the Negev.
Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.


The families united in Grief. Walking this path together!

Blessings!

Hard to believe that summer is coming to an end. I have to be honest...I am not so ready. I have definitely enjoyed having my children home with me. I find myself staring at them in disbelief that they are growing so fast. This year has obviously taken many unexpected twists and turns. So much for planning my fairy tale life. I really don't think I was planning in that way, but my perspective has definitely changed.

Gone are the days of dreaming about "my perfect life!" I am so very blessed, but a little bit lost now. Really searching and seeking for a relationship with Christ. Before Larson I have to say I accepted Christ as my Saviour. I accepted a religion. I knew I was a sinner in need of a Saviour. I knew I could not stand before a holy God as I was. I knew I needed Christ for the sacrifice He made for me.

But know...I want to know Christ. I want to understand Him. Not just from a book of attributes so I can spout off to everyone that God is good, God is just...etc. etc. I have found myself reading the Bible in a whole different way. Have the words changed? Has God changed? Have I changed? No, No and Yes. I have changed and know I feel a different desire to know my Saviour more then I did before.

I find myself pondering questions like...What are blessings? Are they how many material blessings you have? How many children I have? My health? Yes all of these are blessings. God has given this all to me and I don't deserve it anymore then anyone else. BUT...I have also realized a blessing in the last year that I would have never signed up for. That is the life, birth and death of Larson. I have be blessed with holding a little peace of Heaven before letting him go into the arms of the Father. I have been blessed with a search for who Christ is like I have never searched before. I have been blessed with the strength only God can give to hang on, even when it seems I can't anymore. I have been blessed with faith of a mustard seed, yet I know I have faith.

I was saved 12 years ago, but my walk has changed drastically. I am not the same person. I will never be the same person. I don't want to be the same person. I want to be who God wants me to be and I have no doubt that He would walk me through something so difficult only to come out on the other side unchanged. How disappointed He would be. He promises that we will be changed, we will suffer and yet He promises to be walking right along side me. So, if anyone is waiting for the "old" Corie to come back. Well that is not going to happen. I will not be who I was before October 2nd and I will be continually be molded into the "new" me over time. I wish I could say it would happen quick, but no matter how hard I have tried to speed up the process...God always slows me down.

As always..if you are reading this, thanks for listening to my ramblings. They usually make sense to my mind...but then that doesn't say much!

Alabama BOUND!!!

Most of you probably remember the story of my friend Aimee that I met while pregnant with Larson. We met online in November because our children had the same diagnosis. I contacted her via the Living with trisomy 13 website because our doctor thought that is what Larson had. Anyway, we started corresponding. Amazingly and providentially our babies were both born on January 22nd. Sometimes I still have to remind myself how much of miracle this was. It was not a coincidence by was determined by our GREAT GOD long before we were pregnant or ever new one another. Anyway, Aimee and her husband were her in March just six weeks after our babies went to be with the Lord. And now....our whole family is headed to Alabama on the 13th of August so our children can meet one another also. We can not wait and as you can see by the video...our kids are so excited. Emma was to embarrassed to be in the video. Crazy because she loves to be video!! Remember to turn off the music below!

A Picture!!

So I have been thinking and praying about getting a tattoo for awhile now. Probably ever since I was pregnant with Larson. The thought crossed my mind A LOT and so….for Larsons 6 month birthday..I did it!!! Yes, I am just as surprised as I am sure many of you are. I NEVER imagined I would want a tattoo (my kids all call it a picture) let alone actually get one. But then I also NEVER imagine that I would bury one of my children. Well it hurt so bad, but was oh so worth it! I have to say…I LOVE IT! I love that I can always look down and see his chubby toes…all 4 of them. I love that it will always remind me of God and His faithfulness during this time and for whatever may lie ahead! He is a part of our family…a part of our story! Steve was there holding my hand (check out the picture!!)…just as he has faithfully done the last 10 years and continues to do. I love that man!!!



There is always a battle of fear that I may forget him. I know that may seem weird and its something I never really thought about before, but it is something I have to battle. I want to move forward and yet I ache sometimes with how this looks. Anyway, there is some sense of peace of having “him” on my foot.

As I laid in bed after I came home and shared with Steve my heart. Not so weird. I use my 20,000 word by about 5 in the evening and begin borrowing more! I shared with him how I badly I want to use what God has given to us for His Glory. For the last 9 months, I have been really wrestling with God through so many of my questions. I am so thankful that he is willing to let me do this. Just as Jacob wrestled with God, so am I. Am I done? No, but I am cling to God!

Jacob Wrestles With God
22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."
27 The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.
28 Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, [a] because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."
29 Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.
30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, [b] saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."
31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, [c] and he was limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob's hip was touched near the tendon.

It says in my study Bible…..IN WRESTINLING WITH JACOB, GOD APPEARD IN HUMAN FORM AND DEPRIVED JACOB OF HIS NATURAL STRENGTH, BUT JACOB EMERGED THE VICTOR BY CLINGING TO GOD FOR BLESSING.

I am clinging to God!!

In the midst of the pain, I also find the good in our situation. God DID choose our family specifically to have Larson. Why? Well I may never know even thought I may continually ask. But as I continue walking this path, I beg God to give me the strength for today to trust him and be faithful to Him. What does that look like? Well I know that that is all part of this. Although I know my faith in Christ has been real for the last 12 years, the last 9 months have set me on a path of REALLY seeking and searching Him. He is willing to show me if I am willing to listen. He is willing to comfort, if I am willing to let him. He is willing to guide me, if I am willing to be led.

I know I have professed my willingness to follow, but lately I have been asking myself…are you really willing? What does that look like? Willingness does not mean that I get to call the shots. Willingness means to follow Christ NO MATTER what that entails. God promise suffering. God promised trials.

Trials and Temptations –James 1:2-5
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

So here I stand (by the Grace of God) 6 months from holding Larson. I hope to be standing stronger and stronger, unwilling to waiver in my need for Him. Not being tossed by the wafe of the sea or blown by the wind, but perservering to maturity in Christ and facing trials with joy in His promises.

Does this mean I may not have hard days? No. It just means that I HOPE to focus on my joy in Christ in the midst of those hard days. I have many things that I struggle with and I know they don’t instantly go away or may not go away at all. It’s just that I know I need to battle my flesh more when I struggle. Whether with fear, doubts, worry, etc. I know that those thoughts are not of God. But I do know that He will help me to walk this path. I am not alone. He is behind me, beside me and in front of me! Praise God!

Psalm 36:5-7
5 Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the skies.
6 Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains,
your justice like the great deep.
O LORD, you preserve both man and beast.
7 How priceless is your unfailing love!
Both high and low among men
find refuge in the shadow of your wings.
To all my faithful friends who have walked this journey with me. With patience and perseverance. With no expectation, but support….THANK YOU!



PS…..After coming home I realized…The Saturday before I had Larson I went with my friend to get my nails done so when I had my pictures with Larson they would look good! (I bit my nails!) The Saturday before getting my tattoo, I went with Emma to get our feet down. (I had never done this before and was not sure about the tattoo yet!) Both Larson’s birth and his 6 month birthday fell on a Tuesday. I love it!!!

6 months!

So today marks 6 months. 6 months since we held you, touched you, felt you, sang with you, watched you…and the list goes on.

Dear Larson,
I will never forget what this day is to me. Your daddy and I woke up in the morning (if we even slept at all) and kissed your brothers and sister good-bye. We were entering into a day of many unknowns. We told them we would see them in a couple of hours. We had prepared them for the 17 weeks prior that we most likely would not be bringing you home. Although we certainly wished we would, we know your condition was very severe. I had many fears as I walked into the hospital. I new I would be meeting you, but what would you look like. I certainly tried to not get too attached. My reasoning was that I would be able to let you go easier. Well I could not have been more wrong.


You were more then what I could ever imagine. You looked just like your big brother Levi and of course you had all the “O’Brien” traits. Big feet, long fingers, an adorable face, perfect lips and a cute button nose. When your daddy laid you on my chest, the first thing that came to my mind was…”you are so adorable, how am I possibly going to say good-bye and let you go? Could this just be a bad dream after all? Was there mistakes?” While they stitched me up (yes that c-section did give me many hours with you and was worth it!!!) daddy and I just stared at you and prayed with you. The room was incredibly quiet with many people looking on. The staff that took care of us was incredible. Very respectful and loving. After some time we went to recovery where you met your sister and 3 brothers!

Oh did they love you so much. I could tell in Emmas eyes that she just didn’t want you to go. She wanted to watch you grow. They all talk about you every day still! Your siblings stayed for awhile and then we were off to our room for your one and only photo shoot.

Levi and Larson


Landon and Larson


Luke and Larson


Emma and Larson


Daddy and Mommy with you

You did great and so did everyone else. You met your grandparents and the uncle you were named after. Hard to take pictures that would be our only ones!! We certainly wished we could have introduced you to ALL of the people who loved you, prayed for you and thought of you but that just would not work. We new we had limited time and so we had to make decisions that were so very hard. I know everyone understood!

Everyone left and daddy and I sat on the bed for 5 hours with you in our lap, singing to you and listening to music. The room was quiet and the time so sacred. We were holding you until Christ came to carry you home.

Later in the evening your sister and brothers came back. The joy from their laughter was incredible. Wanting to hold you and taking turns so well. We knew we had to get all our time in!! Your aunt was able to meet you and then the night was coming to a close. You were hanging in there, much to everyone’s surprise. You were born with a heart rate in the 30’s and you stayed at 130 although your respiratory was always hard. The night came and before we new it the sun came up. We tried to feed you, but you just would not swallow big guy. You new you wouldn’t need it. Then just as we were ready to give you a little more bottle you looked straight in your daddies eyes and did a little smile (it was amazing!!!!) and quietly closed your eyes.

I know by the look on your face that you were going to a much better place. With tears streaming down our face we let you go….exactly what we knew but could never have been prepared for. Oh I miss you so badly. Sometimes more today then yesterday and yet the Father you are worshipping right now is also taking care of your family down here until I come to see you again.. Words are not enough to say how much we love you and how much you taught us in your short but amazing life. You are our little champ and will be forever missed. Time does heal, but the scare will remain. You are way to special to forget. The lessons we have learned and continue to learn, to scared to move away from. So my sweet Larson…we will continue to press through this journey as Christ as our leader and God the potter. We love you sweet boy.

Romans 8:37: No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
This song is even more true today then it was when Larson left us. It was sung at his service and I continue to meditate on the words daily.

Reflecting

Yesterday after church we went to the cemetery for a visit with Larson. We took flowers and 6 balloons. Six because he would have been six moths old tomorrow. Although yesterday was not the actual six month mark, it was a beautiful day and we were all together. The cemetery is a peaceful place for me. So quite and easy to think...although my children were loud. Even listening to my children's laughter seems perfect there. Nobody else is around and nothing else to think about.

At church we sang a song that we sang shortly after we found out that Larson would not be with us long. The words are more incredible now then they were before. Turn the music down below and listen. Oh I just love this song.





"O Church, Arise"
Words and Music by Keith Getty & Stuart Townend
Copyright © 2005 Thankyou Music

O church, arise and put your armor on;
Hear the call of Christ our captain;
For now the weak can say that they are strong
In the strength that God has given.
With shield of faith and belt of truth
We'll stand against the devil's lies;
An army bold whose battle cry is "Love!"
Reaching out to those in darkness.

Our call to war, to love the captive soul,
But to rage against the captor;
And with the sword that makes the wounded whole
We will fight with faith and valor.
When faced with trials on ev'ry side,
We know the outcome is secure,
And Christ will have the prize for which He died—
An inheritance of nations.

Come, see the cross where love and mercy meet,
As the Son of God is stricken;
Then see His foes lie crushed beneath His feet,
For the Conqueror has risen!
And as the stone is rolled away,
And Christ emerges from the grave,
This vict'ry march continues till the day
Ev'ry eye and heart shall see Him.

So Spirit, come, put strength in ev'ry stride,
Give grace for ev'ry hurdle,
That we may run with faith to win the prize
Of a servant good and faithful.
As saints of old still line the way,
Retelling triumphs of His grace,
We hear their calls and hunger for the day
When, with Christ, we stand in glory.

So as I "enter" into the next two days, once again reflecting on my "new" self I ask for your faithful prayers. I am grateful to know that the outcome is secure no matter what my path looks like. My faith in Jesus has given me life in eternity. I'll write more tomorrow and tell more. As I have thought about Larsons life and what he has meant to me, I would love to hear from my dear friends also. Feel free to drop me a note on my email...theobs@usa.net. I know all moms love hearing about their children...I am no different. He is just not here to watch while we are talking about him, but I know his short life has done so much for me. I would love to hear from you!

Prayer Please!

I contemplated writing this, but I also have seen through the last several months that prayer WORKS! So that being said, I am asking for prayer from all my faithful prayer warrior friends. For the last week or so, I have really been struggling sleeping. For some reason when the lights go out I have a hard time relaxing. When I finally get to sleep, I have been have dreams that are not so pleasent and then I am awake thinking through, and reliving, the last year or so it seems. This happened a lot after Larson passed away and for some reason it is back. For some reason I find myself going a few days holding things in and then like a volcano I explode with tears.

Also, I have recently learned (I think I shared earlier) that my thyroid is not functioning correctly. This is due to the pregnancy and unfortuantly it has not recovered on its own like it has done in the past. This also causes tiredness, anxiety, etc. So I am asking for prayer for:
1. Restful sleep so I can be ready for my day with my children.
2. I have an appointment Monday with an endocrinologist so prayer for answers/direction
3. The Lord would calm my anxieties, fears, worries.
4. Good thoughts that produce peace and calmness.

Thank you for praying! Its been a tough week, but I know that its all part of the molding and refining that God is doing in my life. Thankful for His faithfulness in the midst of so much pain and hurting.