Questions????

The last few weeks have been busy, but not without alot of emotions.
Emma, Luke and Landon all started school. I continue to pray about our decision with schooling. I miss my children immensely during the day, but right now we feel that being at this school is the best for them.

Having Levi at home has been a blessing, but I can't help but think of how thinks were suppose to be! Yes I can totally trust a God who is in control of all things. He determines the length of life and He is the writer of my story, but in my humanness, it is difficult to let things go. I have had my fair share of tears these last few weeks. Although that probably is not surprising. As Emma told me, the bottle God is holding with my tears is as big as Daddy's building!

My children continue to work through their own grief. Some are stuffers, so are talkers, so are sharers, it just depends. With six of us working through this...we see alot. Emma told me she doesn't like to see me cry and I reminder her...I cry when she and her brothers go to school. I just love them soooo much. The joy I get when they return is great. I didn't have that with Larson. He left, but will not return. I rejoice I don't have to worry about him, but I weep because I want to hold him.

I am constantly feeling like someone is missing, and he is. But I know that no matter how hard I try, things will not change. I remind myself often that God has shown me this year that I am in control of NOTHING! Ok, I can plan dinner, try to clean, get out of bed, etc. I have choices to make each day, but ultimately I firmly believe each and every day of my life has been determined.

So being able to say this and believe this is good, but I would be lying if I said that my days are still not filled with MANY questions. The whys, whats, when, where, what ifs, etc. And to be honest with you, there are still many days that I am emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. Fighting joy and grief at the same time seems to be so taxing. Staying in the moment with my 4 precious children and reliving and thinking of my son I miss SO deeply.

I often find myself remembering my thought while I was pregnant. I certainly thought the pregnancy and knowing Larson was going to be with us for such a short time had to be the worst part. Thankfully God did not reveal to me the path of grief I would go on after the death. Having only experience death with a grandparent I had nothing to compare it to. Don't get me wrong that is hard, but having your own flesh and blood be delivered from your womb and immediately watch him fade away...well its beyond words to express. Difficult, pain full, surreal, heart wrenching. I wish I could describe it better...I just can't. There is nothing to compare it to, although many have decided to let me know what would be the "hardest" thing to go through. Whether the time with a loved one is moments, minutes, hours, days, months or years...when are we ever prepared to say good-bye. We aren't. Even thought it seems I should have been prepared...I wasn't.

So here I am almost 8 months out and I can say that time helps lift the cloud above my head at times, but even that can still shift from time to time. I am still blind-sided by emotions that I seems to be fine with for a longer period of time. I can be laughing with my kids and next minute want to run to my bed and cry. I can be relaxing for bed and the next minute be so anxious I can't sleep.

I know that God continues to walk by my side, even though there are times I still feel very much alone. Yes even in a room with many, or house full of kids, or sitting next to my incredible husband. Grief can make you lonely. You have to walk on your own path alone (with God) no matter how many want to hold your hand.

So as I continue to ask God questions, some the same as 10 months ago, some very different I am reminded that He is our Father in heaven who wants to hear from us. As a second grade teacher I had students asking many questions. As they enter each new grade there is so much more to learn. Well I find it no different as a child of God, a believer in Christ...although I have professed faith for 12 years and I have read the bible and know the stories....I have SO much more to learn. I highly doubt that God who says "come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give your rest (Matthew 11:28) would reject our questions. He is asking us simply to come and follow Him, He promises to walk with us until the end, He doesn't always give us the answers we want but He desires to listen, to love, to comfort, to encourage. So as a child/student, I will continue ask my questions to a faithful Father and I will not be ashamed that I don't have this all down. How could He mold me the way He wants.

Often I think I should be walking through my days laughing instead of crying, and yet there is no right way to do this and no wrong way. There is no time frame, no expectations...but to come. I do find rest in the Fathers arms, I trust Him fully with my life and with the outcome of things, I do know He keeps His promises and makes no mistakes, I do know He will listen at anytime, I do know that Christ died for my sins and I can't imagine the life and death He live for me, I do trust because God deserves my trust...but I still have questions! And I know with time these questions will make me know Him more.

Season!

I wanted to first share this pictures of my children...and their Larson bear! My friend Tamara took incredible pictures for me. Check out her blog if you are in the Denver area! Abbys life song! Although I weep for my son who is gone, I cherish the children I have. I feel I need to make that clear. Many have commented that...At least I have 4 children! Yes I do here...but I actually have 1 who is not with us and his life was no less significant. My children loved him so well and so much. They still draw family pictures with him in it. The grief process has also had to be walked through by each one of my children. Yes children are resilant, but I have found that because my children are a range of ages and personalities they have handled it in very different ways. We are grateful as parents to be walking with them however they feel they need to.

So here is my original thoughts!!
What a beautiful season we are entering, yet difficult season. For me at least. Fall is so beautiful with the amazing colors and the crisp air. But fall has been different for me for the last couple of years and now its a season I enter with bittersweet emotions.

In September of 2006 we had a miscarriage.

In October of 2007 we found out our son would not live. The rest of the season was spent cherishing the time we had with him while in the womb, but also preparing ourselves for a untimely funeral.

We celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas with Larson, Levis Birthday and Emmas Birthday! We rejoiced to have him with us, but also felt the time ticking. I know there was always a possibility of healing, but to be honest I truly believe the Lord was preparing me the entire time to submit to His perfect will. That perfect will would not be healing on earth.

So as we step foot into September, I seem to have a lump in my throat. I have felt SO much of the Lords grace during this season of time. He has given us strength we never thought we had. I remember telling Steve when we found out about Larsons condition..."I can not do this!" Even before we went to the hospital I asked him if he could do it for me! I know crazy question, but the thought of delivering my precious son and saying good-bye was just something I could not do. Well by the strength that God gave me we did. We delivered a perfect baby, enjoyed precious time, handed him to our loving Father and gave him an incredible service.

So I guess what I am saying is this season is a reminder of what we did last year. It may seem weird to some. I know some may say, "it happened so we need to just move on". Yes we are moving forward, yes I am not hanging on to the darkness, but I will NEVER forget the time I had with my son and that time included a season that was difficult but not without Faith, Hope, Love and Joy in the Lord!

So if I seem a little off right now, well I am probably continuing to process all that has happened in the last year. Still seems like a dream at times, but I would not change this time for anything.

I found this poem from another blog and it spoke of my feelings so well. This journey has been FAR different then I ever could have prepared myself for. Yet I know that it is fine. I do not want to rush, what is there to rush.


Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?

Update/Prayer Request

Ive had a few people email and ask how my endocrinologist appointment went. Well here is the scoop...

Basically I have hoshimotos thyroditis. A long word for hypothyroidism. It is called this because it is brought on by pregnancy. 70% of women will recover and their thyroid will go back to normal within 4 months...You guessed! I get to be in the 30%. The endocrinologist did say that if it does correct itself, my chances of having a permanent thyroid problem are almost definite due to my family history. Of course we also have a lot of Lupus in our family. I left pondering all of this. Was I upset...No! I came home and told Steve all about it and said..."Basically we are all "incompatible" with life! Are genes are already determined for many things be it autoimmune disorders or cancer or something else. Not are we predetermined by our genes, we have been made like this by a all knowing, loving, and kind God."

Well anyway, I decided to go down a more "homeopathic" route. I am taking synthroid, but I also made an appointment with a nutritionist. Let me just share with you some of the questions he asked and the responded he gave...

He asked if we planned on having more children and then told me that it is probably better to stop having children now that I am 35! There is just to many problems. I told him that is not what I have seen or experienced!

He asked if I had been given any suggestions for my baby when I found out at 20 weeks that he would not live! I told him we did and did not see termination as an option! Our baby was as valuable to us as our others!

He gave me ideas on how to deal with depression, ie acupressure points on my face with my fingertips.! I wish I could put a video up of me doing it. Let me just say, I had to really hold back from laughing. He told me to also tell myself that I am OK while I am pounding my head with my heads.

He chalked me up to depression, never did anymore tests and sent me on my way. Needless to say this was the biggest waste of time and a big disappointment. I would love to share his name but won't. He has high creditals..so I thought..and was on national TV about helping people with problems no one else could figure out. Well he didn't help me. Don't get me wrong, I am sad and teary and I do believe that the loss of a child can cause depression, but I didn't go to this doctor for that...he is a NUTRIONIST!

I left this appointment SO disapppointed and upset for many reasons. I know this man is a medical doctor but I TOTALLY disagree that my age would result in "problems"...besides the fact that Larson was far from that and was the BIGGEST BLESSING! At the age of 35, although called advanced maternal age!, womens eggs don't just all go bad all at once. Its not like eggs you get at the grocery store that have an experation date!. I believe that EACH and EVERY child and person has been created EXACTLY how God intended them to be. Each egg is how God intended it to be! Psalm 139 is so clear on this! God is good!

Psalm 139:13-16
For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise you , for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame WAS NOT hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
YOUR EYES SAW my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

Did his comment about 35 cause fear? Not at all and felt more sorry for him! I trust God the same as I did with EACH one of my children and am so very blessed to have had a child who was special enough to teach others about the sanctiy of life. You go little man! OK hope I made my point.

I will not tell you I don't have days I am not depressed. Really I would call it sad, missing my baby, making sense of all this and pressing into Gods word of answers. I am not without hope, faith or love to my Almighty God.

So next step...
I have gone to a accupuncturist...She is awesome. She has a chemistry and biology degree and does NEAT therapy. I have gone to her for the last 4 years. Why I didn't just stick with her I don't know. NEAT is an allergy elimination acupuncture and is suppose to reset your body so you can tolerate things you once didn't. Let me just say that I did allergy injects for 7 years in high school and college and it did nothing. After being treated for trees, weeds, grass, horses, cats...well I can me around it.

So here is my prayer request. Obviously one of the biggest problems in my body is my hormones. That is what causes most thyroid things, autoimmune, etc. Your body is reacting to something that seems "foreign" to it. So right now she is treating me for the MANY types of hormones we have in our body. I had a treatment on Tuesday and feel HORRIBLE. I have body aches so bad I don't want to be touched, hot flashed where I get drenched, headaches, etc. That being said...this is good. My body is doing something.

Please pray this treatment(S) help and that I would have rest tonight and the days to come. It has been hard to do my daily commitments because I feel so yucky! Of course I am also trying to diagnosis myself with some "disease". At this point Steve just goes with it and tries to come up with some too. He is just so used to me! Thank you in advance for your prayers and support. This has gone longer then I thought so I'll write more soon. My days have been with ups and downs, but God is shining through and we continue on with hope!

Happy 7th Birthday!

My sweet Luke is 7. Where has the time gone? I am so grateful for the years that God has given to me with Luke. I will be honest...these celebrations are bittersweet. I sure wish Larson was here to celebrate with us, but I know he is celebrating in the most perfect place there is. As I kissed my son tonight, I could not help but think of the day he was born. What a great day. Never did I realize what a gift all my children are until this year. Yes I verbalized it to many, but did I really understand it? I walked into the hospital on August 21, 2001 and a baby was placed into my arms at 11:00am. Not only that...3 days later I got to take him home with me, rock him, feed him, love him, mend his wounds and teach him of Jesus. I took for granted that I would have a baby and take him home! I have been blessed 7 years with my son. I DO FEEL SO THANKFUL. I hope for many more years with him. He is an amazing blessing.

To Alabama and Back!!!

Well we are back. I know I wasn't specific when I was leaving for Alabama, but I wanted to share our time with y'all!!! I know I am picking up the southern accent...i wish!

Anyway, we left on Wednesday the 13th. Headed to the airport and left Denver at 1:30pm. We arrived in Atlanta at 6, got our rental car and drove to Aimees house. By the time we got there it was 8:30 and we were greeted by all the Weathers and a beautiful sign made by their adorable children. Our kids seems to have know one another already. It is just so amazing how we have jelled together as if we have known one another. We had some yummy food and then ...


Kids at the airport. Excited to see Alabama.




Thursday, Steve and Carlton made a hospital visit for a friend who had just had surgery. They toured around and then headed back. Aimee and I took the kids swimming and they had a blast. We had fun just soaking up the sun and getting burnt! In the afternoon, Carlton and Steve took the boys to a garden to pick some veggies.


Levi contemplating life!


Noah and Levi


Group snack!


Luke and Landon picking veggies.


Luke, Landon, Levi and Noah exploring.

Friday, we went to Atlanta. I of course took everyone on a detour to some town even Aimee and Carlton hadn't been to. I took us about 1 hour out of the way of Atlanta. We finally got to our destination and we took the girls to the American Girl doll store. So fun to be there. Really the best part for Emma and I. What fun to do with your little girl. We had lunch and then went to an Atlanta Braves game. It was a beautiful night, relaxing and entertaining.


We finally get to see the American Girl doll store!


Everyone at the Atlanta Braves baseball game.


Steve with a 5lb. bag of peanuts! Yes, they let him in along with a backpack full of cracker jacks, chips, 20 small Gatorade's. They checked it all. What a sweet husband to do this.

Saturday we hung out all day. In the afternoon Aimee and I got some "girl time" and went to a coffee shop to hang out and took. Words can not express the blessing I feel for the friendship God so beautifully put together. We really found ourselves thinking about how weird it was that we are "online" friends brought together only because of our children who are no longer with us. Sophie and Larson don't get to enjoy our families...although we take great comfort knowing they are together enjoying the heavenlies. They are safe, they are happy! It was good to have my friend to talk with, laugh with, contemplate with, cry with. We have been able to do this for the last 9 months over the phone (aside from the March visit) but it was nice to be sitting next to one another once again. Amazing that this time last year I had no idea who Aimee was, I was in my own little world...pregnant...waiting for my child to be born...no idea of someone who lived in Alabama...no idea of what was ahead of me. I could go on and on, but you all get the picture by now. I stand amazing at what the Lord has done. Through my sorrow and tears...and my smile and joy! All from a loving Fathers hand! Amazing to reflect on what 2 babies lives did for 2 families.

Sunday we had the opportunity to go to their Church. Carlton is the pastor and a great on at that...No he didn't ask me to say that! Amazing how much alike our churches are...just another one of those providential things!!! We had BBQ lunch and headed to the airport. Sure was a fast trip, but a relaxing trip and a perfect trip.


All the kids before leaving for church!


All the kids standing by the sign that Noah and Hannah made when we arrived! It was awesome!


Aimee and Me in my favorite spot...on the front porch in a rocking chair!


Our AMAZING husbands!


THE PARENTS!

It was so fun to be in a different place and enjoying my family. We went away as a family about a month after Larson died. So this was refreshing to go away...far away...and just take a breath!

THANK YOU WEATHERS FAMILY FOR HOSTING 6 CRAZY OBRIENS! WE LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT! LOOKING FORWARD TO SEE WHAT GOD HAS IN STORE FOR OUR FAMILIES AND THANKFUL TO HAVE GOTTEN TO KNOW YOU EVEN THROUGH SO MANY TEARS AND GRIEF. SO GRATEFUL TO WALK THIS ROAD WITH YOU. HAND IN HAND ON OUR WAY TO ETERNITY.

String of Pearls

Laura with me after Larson was born.

I have shared with some of you in the previous months about a foundation being started for families who are being faced with a fatal diagnosis for their unborn baby. Well….it is starting. My friend Laura sent me this email and I would like to pass along via blog to share with you all. Laura has been such a blessing during this past 9 months and I would like to take this opportunity to share the story again. This is a long post, but PLEASE read to the end. I think it will be worth the time!

This is string of Pearls played out….
On October 2nd after finding out that our sweet Larson had many things going on in his body and would either die in utero or shortly thereafter, Steve and I were filled with grief. The only option given to us was termination. We were told we need to make the decision quickly as we had to do it by 22 weeks. Well that was not an option for us, but we walked away from that office filled with sadness and darkness. We had 4 healthy children..How were we going to wait 18+ more weeks to welcome our child only to say good-bye. Well God was working long before this as we always know He is. We just can’t see it so hopefully sharing this will give others Hope that He is before us, with us and in front of us.

On October 17th (yes I wrote it down!) my phone rang and caller ID said…Laura Huene. Why did I know who she was? Because I heard about Laura from a good friend of mine who grew up with her and told me Pearls story 15 months before. I never forgot about this “precious girl” and of course I would ask how this girl Laura was doing. I was not pregnant yet, I did not know Laura, but I knew her story. Anyway I quickly picked up the phone and just wept. I knew finally I could talk to someone who understood just exactly how I was feeling. Well our friendship blossomed and I felt so supported. Laura was in the delivery room when my sweet Larson was born and she even told him “secrets” to tell Pearl when he got there.

This friendship God has given me is beyond incredible. I have see Him work in the midst of so much sadness. I have been given so much hope. Having someone who understands walk along side me has been priceless. Between Laura who walked the path first, and Aimee (from Alabama) who walked at the same time…Well lets just say…Our God Reigns!!!


HERE IS THE LETTER FROM LAURA ABOUT STRING OF PEARLS
Hello,

For the past 2 years Josh and I have had a vision to walk with families who are walking the same journey we walked with our sweet Pearl. The vision is finally becoming a reality. We have started a non-profit organization called String of Pearls. This is a safe place for families who have received a fatal prenatal diagnosis and have made the decision to carry the baby for as long as their body allows. We will be working alongside the medical community as a liaison for the families, provide support from other families who have been on this journey and offering so many other resources.

It has been a long process to form the organization and after long months of creating and writing our website is up, we have meetings set up with Doctors in the Denver area and our 501c3 paperwork is being approved! I feel like this has taken so long to get to this point and I am so thankful for ALL the people that have been a part of making this become a reality. I'm continually amazed at how God continues to use one tiny baby girl to reach out to so many others.

Will you pray for me and for those that are involved in String of Pearls? We are choosing to help others honor life and we need to cover these precious families in prayer as well as the people that are involved in caring for the families. Will you also consider financially helping String of Pearls? The website gives a detailed account of the services we will provide and our goal is to do this at no charge to the families. There is a place on the website to donate online as well as a mailing address. Our desire is to reach as many families as possible and give them hope and peace as they walk the most difficult journey of their lives. Thank you for praying and supporting us each step of the way. Please pass this on to your friends and anyone else you may know who would be interested in this. Go now and see our beautiful website.

www.stringofpearlsonline.org

Thank you again for being a part of this journey.

With hope and love,
Josh and Laura

Psalm 126:3-6

The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
like streams in the Negev.
Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.


The families united in Grief. Walking this path together!

Blessings!

Hard to believe that summer is coming to an end. I have to be honest...I am not so ready. I have definitely enjoyed having my children home with me. I find myself staring at them in disbelief that they are growing so fast. This year has obviously taken many unexpected twists and turns. So much for planning my fairy tale life. I really don't think I was planning in that way, but my perspective has definitely changed.

Gone are the days of dreaming about "my perfect life!" I am so very blessed, but a little bit lost now. Really searching and seeking for a relationship with Christ. Before Larson I have to say I accepted Christ as my Saviour. I accepted a religion. I knew I was a sinner in need of a Saviour. I knew I could not stand before a holy God as I was. I knew I needed Christ for the sacrifice He made for me.

But know...I want to know Christ. I want to understand Him. Not just from a book of attributes so I can spout off to everyone that God is good, God is just...etc. etc. I have found myself reading the Bible in a whole different way. Have the words changed? Has God changed? Have I changed? No, No and Yes. I have changed and know I feel a different desire to know my Saviour more then I did before.

I find myself pondering questions like...What are blessings? Are they how many material blessings you have? How many children I have? My health? Yes all of these are blessings. God has given this all to me and I don't deserve it anymore then anyone else. BUT...I have also realized a blessing in the last year that I would have never signed up for. That is the life, birth and death of Larson. I have be blessed with holding a little peace of Heaven before letting him go into the arms of the Father. I have been blessed with a search for who Christ is like I have never searched before. I have been blessed with the strength only God can give to hang on, even when it seems I can't anymore. I have been blessed with faith of a mustard seed, yet I know I have faith.

I was saved 12 years ago, but my walk has changed drastically. I am not the same person. I will never be the same person. I don't want to be the same person. I want to be who God wants me to be and I have no doubt that He would walk me through something so difficult only to come out on the other side unchanged. How disappointed He would be. He promises that we will be changed, we will suffer and yet He promises to be walking right along side me. So, if anyone is waiting for the "old" Corie to come back. Well that is not going to happen. I will not be who I was before October 2nd and I will be continually be molded into the "new" me over time. I wish I could say it would happen quick, but no matter how hard I have tried to speed up the process...God always slows me down.

As always..if you are reading this, thanks for listening to my ramblings. They usually make sense to my mind...but then that doesn't say much!