I am a SAHM with 5 children. My 5th child,Larson, lived for an amazing but short 23 hours. He is now safe in the arms of Jesus enjoying his eternal home. I also have an amazing husband who I have been married to for 10 years!! Praise the Lord.
Please be gentle with me for I am grieving. The sea I swim in is a lonely oneand the shore seems miles away. Waves of despair numb my soulas I struggle through each day. My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want to shout and screamand repeatedly ask 'why?' At times, my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly,so great is my loss. Please don’t turn away or tell me to move on with my life. I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal. Companion me through tears and sit with me in loving silence. Honor where I am in my journey,not where you think I should be. Listen patiently to my story,I may need to tell it over and over again. It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss. Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead. Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable. A small flame still burns within my heart,and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears. I need your support and understanding.There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I must find my own path. Please, will you walk beside me?
Oh Little Larson
Little Larson Oh Little Larson You died a long time ago. Oh how we miss you. You were cute and little. But you struggled deeply. You tried to fight,But it was to hard. And now you are with the Holy One. In Heaven playing with your mates who suffered too. You are perfect now. Oh how we all long to live with you there. Oh little Larson we miss you.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending he didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that he has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
This week has been a difficult one. I have pondered why.. Many reminders of Larson. Many babies who are Larsons age. Many moms cradling their precious gift. Many strollers. Many cries. As I see and hear all these babies that are so close to Larsons age, it just reminds me of what he would be doing. I am seeing my son grow up through other peoples children. It is difficult. I rejoice for those who have the opportunity to love on their baby here on this earth, while I mourn the fact that I don't. I still take comfort in knowing that Gods plan was not a mistake. I have to remind myself often that this was Gods perfect plan for Larson and my family, but the pain is still real. Death still stings, especially when you are reminded by things going on around you what you no longer have. I feel peoples uneasyness around me. I promise that if I cry, you did not do anything wrong. I DO like talking about Larson, but the reality is.. I will cry. For how long? I don't know, but you asking does not cause me anymore pain then I already feel. Larson is my son. We all enjoy talking about our children. Just because he is not with us does not mean I don't want to talk about him or that I have forgotten about him. This season of time has brought SO many questions, the ultimate question is...Do I still believe in God and is He still in control? With confidence I can say YES. God DOES NOT promise that this life will be without heartache.. BUT, He does promise that with faith in Jesus we will spend an eternity in a place far better then this.. Revelation 22:1-5 And he showed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding from the thron of God and of the Lamb. In the middle of its street, and on either side of the river, was the tree of life, which bore twelve fruits, each tree yielding its fruit every month. The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations. aNd there shall be NO MORE CURSE, but the throne of God and of the Lamb shall be in it, and His servants shall serve Him. They shall see His face, and His name shall be on their foreheads. There shall be no night there: They need no lamp nor light of the sun, for the Lord God gives them light. And they shall reign forever and ever. Heaven is so much more real to me. Larson is there, and I get to spend eternity with him.
I know this is after the fact, but I thought I would write anyway. Larson would have been 2 months old on Easter. He probably would have been smiling at as and becoming more alert. Instead of being with us this Easter, he was worshipping Jesus on this holiday with Jesus himself. Wow, it really made me wonder what Easter is like in Heaven. I am sure it is much different then here. Larson probably didn't care about the "perfect" ham meal, easter egg hunt and what he would wear. Rather, he was worshipping with so many others with God. This Easter brought new meaning for me as well. It really made me stop and think what I am celebrating. It is so much more real. The celebration of Chirsts death and resurrection so we may worship with Larson again someday. Larson has taught me more in his 9 months AND 23 hours on this earth than I feel I have learned in all my 35 years. He has made me think...What am I living for? Why am I here? What is the purpose of life? Do I really believe what I say I do? Yes, I have to say that he has helped me to stregthen my faith in Christ.
What then shall we say to these things? "If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own son, but delievered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Romans 8:31-32
I have to say the last few months have changed not only who I am but also the way I look at things. Lets hope so! It is easy to see someone that you know or don't know and "assume" everything is good because they say they are fine or because they smile. I have realized myself that it is sometimes easier to tell people.."I am doing fine" and give them a smile even though deep down inside I have never hurt so deeply. I do smile more often now and it is good, but that doesn't mean that I don't think of Larson often or that I somehow have moved on. I have realize that some people are rather uncomfortable with pain, grief and sadness. It is much easier to be around people who are happy and cheerful. Please dont feel uncomfortable by my tears or sadness or pain. It is nothing you sad and nothing you did. Sometime I just don't feel like smiling. I can't say how long I will be sad. I know I will always miss my son and that I never want to forget. We will always be a family of 7. God chose us to have Larson as our son and he will always be that to me. I know that the pain will change, but our family will always have a little piece missing. It is such a comfort to know that Larson is safe with Jesus, but I also know God knows our pain and emptiness. I do have to say that I am SOOOO grateful for so many family and friends who have walked with my family to patiently through this trial. I have to say thank you again for... *Listening. Its easy to ask.."how are you?" Its another thing to listen to the answer without feeling like you have to fix it. *Crying with me. It is such a blessing to have a friend who is willing to cry with me and share their emotions. *Mentioning Larson's name. I will never get tired of talking about my son. Most have a lifetime to watch their children grow up before their eyes. I had 1 day. Please don't forget him. *Patience. For understanding that we will not be the same but for loving us for who we are now. Again thanks for checking this blog. I love all the encouraging comments and emails. Thank you for being our friends and walking so kindly and gently with us during this difficult season. God has been so good to our family during this time. We continue to lean on Christ for our daily strength and are comforted by his promises that we will one day be reunited with Larson again.
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endureance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of OUR faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2
I wanted to share this sweet poem with everyone that Emma wrote. She made one for Larson and then did the same poem for Sophie and Pearls families. What a tender little girl she is. Larson has definitly been on her mind and she often expresses her feelings through her writing.
Oh Little Larson Little Larson Oh Little Larson You died a long time ago. Oh how we miss you. You were cute and little. But you struggled deeply. You tried to fight, But it was to hard. And now you are with the Holy One. In Heaven playing with your mates who suffered too. You are perfect now. Oh how we all long to live with you there. Oh little Larson we miss you.
I was talking with Steve yesterday and trying to explain to him how I feel right now. I told him I feel like a puzzle. Five months ago, I was put together, I new where each piece belonged and I could see the picture clearly. Well after October 2nd, I feel like someone took the puzzle and threw the pieces everywhere. Now I am trying to find the pieces, put them back together in a different puzzle with a different picture. This may all sound strange and it is. I feel like a totally different person and I am not sure yet what I will be like. I enjoy so much being a wife and mother. It is what gets me out of bed each day. Each day with my family amazes me, especailly seeing things with them so differently. Things like watching them laugh, run and play, and even argue. Amazing that they have a brain that coordinates things that we so take for granted! This picture of our whole family is one I will cherish forever. I will not have another family picture where we are all together. I am thankful that during this time I know that God has been with as will continue to be with us. Psalm 23 The Lord is my shepard; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the path of righteousness For His names's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.
I wish there was some way to prepare for the passing of your child. There is just no way to do so. I wish I could have time to sit and reflect on what is going on. To just mourn and grieve for my baby, but it doesn't take long (maybe a week) before you are reminded that this is not going to be easy or "normal". Today a person called to talk to me about my "newborn" son Larson. She was from the specialist office and there was a bill she was calling about. Ok I know this lady had no way of knowing that Larson was not here anymore and I know she felt bad. I sure wish there could have been some note some how in my file so neither of us had to feel bad. There are so many things that I could not prepare for while grieving my loss... -The hospital bills. -The death certificate to show he is gone. -Bills for a funeral -The birth certificate with a stamp on it saying he is gone. -Letter from the cemetary to tell me when they "clean up stuff". -Visting my son weekly at his gravesite. -Getting formula amples in the mail. -Getting the pamplets to tell you the milestones of"what your child should be doing know" -Preparing for holidays without Larson. -Taking down the crib he would have slept in. -Listening to my children talk about their brother who has died. These are all harsh realities of death and its finality. I know we will all face it someday. I just never though I would be burying my child! So how am I doing? Each day I meditate on God word and am reminded that is safe. I take comfort in knowing that God is in control. I know that God is my Comforter and knows my every emotion. I miss my son. He would probably be starting to smile at us know, but instead he is with the Lord. I know he doesn't miss us. He is in the best place he could be! But we miss him and will until we are reunited. If you are reading this...Thank you! Thank you for listening. Thank you for reading my blog. Thank you for trying to understand even if you don't know what to say. Thank you for sticking by us during this difficult time. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for being our friends. IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME!
I wanted to sit down (while it is still fresh) and update everyone on my amazing weekend. I feel like this continues to be a dream although this is a GREAT story. Most of you know it, but I'll catch you up to speed if you haven't heard. In October when we found out that Larson would not be with us long, my friend Molly contacted me about her friend Laura. She told me Lauras story about Pearl. The most amazing part is that Molly told me the story of her friend Laura about 15 months ago. I NEVER forgot about Laura. At the end of October, Laura contacted me. I'll never forget seeing my caller ID and picking up the phone so fast. The person on the other line I never met before..but I knew her. Laura had been walking this journey for 15 months already and on top of that she is a labor and delivery nurse. So while talking with Laura daily (sometimes multiple times a day!!) I was searching to find out more information about Larsons genetic issue. Larson had a 13th gene deletion. Every one of his cells was affected and that is what caused the severity of his brain condtion ( I know more than I want about this!!). While searching on line I found a site for babies who have been diagnosed with trisomy 13. They have extra information on each cell. On this website is where I saw Aimees information. I know the Lord ordained this as well. I emailed Aimee and she contacted me back in the beginning of December. The three of us have been exchanging emails ever since. Aimee and I were going through this at the same time and Laura so graciously helped. While having Larson one January 22nd in Denver, Aimee was having Sophie in Alabama. Our memorial servies were at he exact same time! Well this weekend Aimee and her husband flew in from Anniston, Alabama. Our families had an amazing time, sharing pictures, eating lots, having tea and just being friends. Its as if we new one another our whole life. I am SO THANKFUL for God and these women He has brought together.
Tomorrow (March 11th) I will be going in for my six week check. I have put this off already. Usually you walk in the doctors office with your baby in tow. Showing him off to the office staff and doctor. Tomorrow, I will be showing people my pictures of my son who is gone. Praise the Lord that Larson is safe in the arms of Jesus. I am glad that I have hope, but I still have aching arms wishing I was holding him. Levi, Landon and I visited Larson at the cemetary this morning. What a beautiful day, but still hard to believe that my son has be buried!! So hard to continue to try to get our arms wrapped around all of this.
I sit and look at Larsons pictures and can not believe it has been just six weeks since we said good-bye. Sometime it feels like just yesterday and other times it feels longer. I close my eyes often to remember my time with him. Remembering his sweet smell and noises. Remembering his sister and brothers looking at him in awe and being so proud. We continue to take each day as it comes. How I wish I could be sharing him with you in his littel infant carrier, but that is not the path God has given to our family. Emma, Luke, Landon and Levi miss their brother so much. Each one expresses it so differently. I think seeing other babies is just as hard for them. They know what they are missing. It is good to continue to remind them that this is not the end. They talk often about where Larson is and we look forward to seeing him again someday with Jesus. I finally got my mail. I had enough courage to open the mailbox and put it in the back of my car. I know that I will need to eventually go through it. All in good time! I praise the Lord for the pictures we have of Larson. I love sharing them. I hope you enjoy seeing him.
What a difference a day makes! I find myself inside amazed at how yesterday can be 70 degrees and today it is blizzarding and 20 degrees. It seems I am reminded that not only can the weather change in 12 hours, but so did my life. I find myself wondering what life was like before October 2nd. I know we were looking forward to having another little one running around. I find myself looking at pictures before we found out what would happen to Larson. My smile is a little different then. Don't get me wrong I am so thankful for what the Lord has given to me. Although the pain is intense. I thought I would share something from my friends Aimees blog (she is the one who had Sophie Ann the same day as Larson),hope you enjoy this. It says what I want to say right now.
I would still be worried about how clean my house is, if the laundry was done, and the unloaded dishwasher; rather than spending my time reading, playing, and singing with my two children.
I would still be worrying about financial matters, retirement, ect, rather than trusting Christ with my life and focusing on my One true provider.
I would still be concerned with what Emma is wearing (is it up to my standards, which includes a matching hairbow), rather than taking the time to teach my little girl that our beauty comes from within, and not how we dress.
I would still be fretting over the fact that the children continually come to our bedroom and wake us up, rather than cherishing the quiet moments when they lay next to me and I can listen to them breathe.
I would still be doing more talking, rather than listening.
I would still be taking for granted my precious husband, rather than seeing how truly blessed I am to have a Godly husband who adores every fiber of my being.
I would still be thinking I am in control of my life, rather than knowing and trusting God's complete sovereignty.
I would still be taking for granted the fact that every child is a miracle, rather than seeing the face of every child and being amazed at how wonderfully they are formed.
I would still be living in my own little happy world unconcerned about unbelievers, rather than having my heart break when I know that others around me don't know Christ.
If I were on the other side of this blog, I would think "she sure has been through a lot" and "I feel so sorry for them" and quietly be so thankful that it wasn't happening to me.
I wouldn't have been blessed to see the face of my son. I wouldn't have known such tremendous love and such devastating loss. I wouldn't have been able to see how the Lord can work through such uncertain times. I wouldn't have been brought to my knees and my face in prayer. I wouldn't have had this heart for families that have lost a child. I wouldn't have known what it meant to truly long for Heaven. I wouldn't have understood peace that passes all understanding. I wouldn't have met such amazing people that have strengthened and sustained me. I wouldn't have been overwhelmingly surrounded by friends and family. I wouldn't have known the meaning of being united in everything with my husband. I wouldn't have had such a beautiful way to share about Heaven with Larson. I wouldn't have witnessed how God can dramatically answer prayer. I wouldn't have been on the receiving end of such love and service to our family. I wouldn't have realized how short, yet precious life can be. I wouldn't have understood what Christ means by trusting Him in all circumstances. I wouldn't have felt the Lord carry us as we persevere under trial. I wouldn't have been able to share our testimony of His faithfulness with so many people....
I simply wouldn't have understood how God's plan could be fulfilled through a baby that just lived for 23 hours...I wouldn't have known my sweet Larson. I would still be a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend that sought to understand suffering and trials... Now I can be that person, because I do.
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial because when he has stood the test, he will received the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."- James 1:12
This blog was created in order to communicate with our family and friends about our journey of grief with our son Larson. Larson was diagnosed on October 2nd, 2007 with HPE alobar. He was born on January 22nd, 2008 and lived for a wonderful 23 hours. I created this blogt to make communicating easier and more efficent following Larsons death. It journals my emotions, hopes, fears and everything in between. Grief is difficult...unpredictable...exhausting and confusing. If you are in a similar situation feel free to email me. I know that the journey can be a bit easier when traveled with a friend who has gone through it also. May Larsons story declare the Lords faithfulness during lifes most trying and darkest times.